I am going to write a proper post tonight, none of these nansy pansy posts like the posts from the past couple of weeks. I am feeling more and more myself lately and you will all be glad to know the larey Jess that you all know and love is on her way back. I must say over the past few weeks I have been feeling more and more that I was losing myself, I know that might not make sense to many people but I have known I was ill for a long time before my diagnosis and the recent weeks have made me doubt myself countless times. It is hard to face the world when people know you to be this larey character who likes a drink, loves to dance and will talk to anyone to suddenly be someone who can't concentrate, is in pain all the time and can't even walk. I have felt like every minute of every day another piece of me had disappeared, I felt I was slipping away and everything that made me Jess was going. It is difficult facing this disease and keeping a sense of yourself at the same time because the Monster at times seems to completely comsume me. At the moment I am trying to work on me now, I know you must all think, 'Wow, Jess is going to think of herself even more...is that possible' but I am afraid folks it is. I want the Jess that I know and love back, I have said for years I did not want an 'and' in my name, so I am determined not to end up 'Jess and Monster'. If anything, the 'and' that may creep into my life will only be welcome if it is 'Jess and the Man'.
Another thing that I find hard is people saying that I am 'amazing' in the way I have dealt with this problem. I love the fact that people think that but I feel like a fraud most of the time because I don't think I have dealt with the particulary well, I think the strong network of people around me have. This time has absolutely terrified me, not being mobile, not having any concentration, not feeling like a real person and everyday feeling like I have lost another piece of myself. I have wanted to cry so many times because I will never be able to feel my baby nephews because I have no sensation in my hands or face, when I say feel them I mean cuddle them and feel their baby softness. I will never get the feeling back in my hands and possibly not my face, learning to live without one of your senses is quite difficult to grasp and I just thank every day that it is not my other senses. Saying that I still have tinnitis in my left ear and I can not hear anything in that ear anymore, I am hoping this will pass but I have a horrible feeling that after nearly 4 weeks of deafness it might be a new feature. I want to make my life as good as it can possibly be and make the most of everything I have in case I wake up tomorrow and Monster has taken something else.
to be continued ......