Dad's love

Got to tell you a secret everyone, I have been so down lately, I know I joke about it but I have found it so unbelievably difficult getting from one day to the next.  Don't worry I haven't been thinking anything silly but just to get up in the morning has been a struggle over the past few days.  I think that this is the time when I have finally 'hit the wall', but I am sure that I am not alone and this is another natural feeling.  It has felt like my heart has been sinking, I have been trying to keep it from disappearing completely.  This finally seems to be passing though.

I cried for the first time yesterday about my diagnosis and I meant it.  I am not a big one for crying but when I do I feel like I have earned the right and that it gets everything out.  I thought that I was passed the hardest part but I never thought how tough this bit would be, this part is slightly like psychological torture.  When I say that what I mean is, I am getting better but I am not better yet so I want to do everything but I just can't.  I know you must think 'For God sake Jess, are you ever happy' and I promise I am just trying to share all of this with you.  I still have so many limitations but I feel like I can do more, for example I love to walk but I know that over doing cause 'the pain' again and puts me back a bit the next day.  I still have to consider every action I take and everything I do still causing me discomfort so it is finding that middle ground.  It will happen though and I just have to stay strong and remember all the love and support I have around me.

Yesterday although it started with a cry it definitely got better and better.  The Man took me shopping and bought me so beautiful clothes (if I had known all I had to do was cry I would have done it much sooner).  I got 5 tops and a scarf.  He even let me play heels, we were in the shop for a good hour playing heels.  It is my thing at the moment, I want to learn to walk in heels, I know you will think I am crazy as I am only just learning to walk again but it is important to me, I want to walk tall with my beautiful niece.  I think when something is taken away from you, it makes you crave it even more.  I know that she will love me whether I can wear heels or not but I want to be able to dress up with her.

When we got home last night I showed my Mum and Dad all my new clothes and this is the bit that totally changed my mood.  Everything The Man did for me yesterday was amazing and I love him to bit for it all, even without the clothes just spending time with me doing small things, it all helps to make me feel like a real person again. What totally swung my mood last night from feeling better to feeling good was my Dad. Now this might sound silly as well but I tried my clothes on and showed my Dad and he liked them all, he actually liked them and liked me in them. What I mean is, over time one of the things that has become important to me in my life is to be someone my Dad would want to know even if we weren’t related. My Dad has always been there for me (so has my Mum because she is my best friend, but that is a different story), he has always guided me in the right direction even if I didn’t listen. I spent so much time trying to cut my own shapes in life that if I had only paid attention I would have found that all the foundations to who I want to be were already formed I just had to use them. Every single time he likes what I am wearing or understands how I think I feel like I achieve something, I feel like I am one step closer to the person I am meant to be.

The Man and I took Mum and Dad out for dinner at Ship, it was a lovely evening and I ended the day with a nice feeling...my heart wasn’t sinking.

Loves xxxxx