I am not entirely sure how much sense I make at the moment so I am going to write a plan for this blog post, about the things I want to tell you about.
· Emotional side of MS
· How bad it is being female
· How I need to buy shoes for the Ball
· What I am currently working on at work
So the emotional side of having MS is a lot like torture I would imagine, I mean that every day is a test of wills and you have no idea whether you will win or the Monster will get you. Trying to explain what it is like to you is really difficult because before I was diagnosed I found it hard to explain to anyone all the things wrong with me. Like I have mentioned before I honestly thought I had given myself Munchausen’s, I couldn’t understand how one person could have so many things wrong with them, so the only conclusion I could come to was that I was doing it to myself, that in some way I must be attention seeking. Although I have found out that this is not the case it doesn’t stop the ‘what if’ going round and round in my head. I have the brain scan’s to prove to myself that it is not imaginary and there are physical reasons to why I am like this but after 10 years of doubting my own sanity I think that it will take a while for me to get over this.
I get frustrated with myself because I want my life back and I also get down with the haunting feeling of ‘why me’, but I know that there is no point to these feelings. I can’t control why this happened to me and I must say for years I worn this body like a meat suit, with no consideration to what I was putting it through. It is amazing how your views change when you are faced with something like this, now I don’t want anything to damage what I have left. I sometimes wonder if I would be in this state had I known all those years ago that I had Multiple Sclerosis. It feels like someone has pressed a massive ‘Pause’ button on my life and I have no control over it at all. The psychological side of this is it seems to have turned me into a complete weirdo, things bother me now that would never have before, things that are so farfetched that it is ridiculous even attempting to think about them let alone worry about them. It has also knocked my confidence in a massive way, I find it hard to speak to people at the moment because if my brain is fuzzy I can’t get my words out properly and then I sound really stupid.
I think that there are certain times of the month I seem to become even more irrational than normal, I know this is normal but I find I am a little bit mental. I am so glad that I have 3 big Brothers and an amazing Dad to talk me off the ceiling when I am being a head case and for the poor man, well, he has a lot to put up with. At the moment I think I could be classed in with those mental females that should not leave the house or have any dealings with any other living thing until they have learnt how to behave.
I think there has been a little stress factor around the Ball as well, mainly because I am a head case. I need to buy shoes for the Ball and something to keep me warm but as I splashed out on Annie (Mac) this month money is a little tight. This is of my own doing so no sympathy can be given but I am a crazy ass female who needs new shoes...can you feel The Man’s pain. The other issue I have is what shoes shall I get? I can’t really walk in flat shoes without my stick ‘Dotty’ and heeled shoes come with their own issues. I would like to wear little slipper shoes so that I am steady on my feet but then what happens if my leg spaz’s out and I can’t walk? What happens if I wear small heels and then can’t walk. I am not completely sane right now so please don’t worry I will deal with this when I am not such a flakey weirdo.
So on another note I am doing something at work at the moment that I really like. In the I.T world we identify defects as BUGS and store them in a system called Jira. If you are interested in why they are named BUGS then have a wee read here - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Software_bug and if you want to read about Jira here is so you can see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JIRA. I am trying to sort them out in a more positive way, to try and demonstrate that although there are problems with the Applications we look after, the problems do get fixed. I am all about the positive spin at the moment along side improving the way we manage the issues that we have. In actual fact the problem we have mostly are issues and not BUGS it is just that they are wrongly named in JIRA. Blah Blah Blah, enough work talk.
Lastly check this out, I have joined this for a trail - https://www.graze.com/deliveries