I know that I am being silly but I have this issue with The Man and the way that we seem not to understand the importance of certain things. Unfortunately nowadays we do not all live in the same towns where we grew up and we don't have our best friends just round the corner from us, therefore the internet is our main form of communication with those close to us. It might seem like nothing to some but I use the tools available out there to make sure that those close to me, those I would like to keep in touch with know the important parts of my life. This is a bit of a rant, sorry I can already tell this might sound whingy but I do think it is important. The problem is, I can not add photo's of my life to Facebook (which is where I keep in touch with people) because The Man has an ex partner that doesn't know about me, officially. Now I know many of you will think this is silly but unfortunately it is important to me, it is like someone has censored my life. So to combat this I am going to stop mentioning him on here because if I am not allowed to be apart of his life I think he should not be apart of mine, until the time comes we can have a full relationship. I think this is silly because we pretty much live together, but I am not supposed to have him as part of my life. I know that the situation is difficult but surely as someones partner their Ex should not be constantly apart of their relationship. I feel like I am dating The Man and his Ex and to tell you what, I am purely a one person girl.
I know I am being unreasonable in someways, I know that The Man is in a difficult situation and was with her for a long time but in the same breath, I am a girl who loves a man and I think the man has another girl on his mind. That is possibly such a big deal to me just now because I am still not well and to be honest I am not dealing with things very well at the moment so apologies if I sound like a complete fruit loop, I can't tell you I am not a complete fruit loop. It is difficult for me to rationalise things at the moment and I know that I can get a little wound up about things that aren't major issues. The problem I am having with The Man is I don't want to feel like I am going to contribute to this other woman's pain and I don't want to get hurt myself. All of a sudden I have my small little issue that doesn't really matter but has become huge problems in my life.
I have spoken a great deal about how this illness has affected me physically but I don't know if I have really touched too much on the emotional side of it. I know that most people may start to read this Blog and wonder what benefit it has but to me it helps a lot. Can you imagine pressing a 'Pause' button on your life right now? Everything stops and you have no idea whether or not it will start again. Dramatic you might think but I can't go to work 2 days in a row at the moment because day 2 begins so painfully and is so mentally challenging that I would be of no benefit there and here I am just frustrated and in pain with too much time to dwell on the things that get me down. I feel like someone has built walls tight up around my entire body and I am trapped, I can't get out, I know all the things I want to do but I can't get out to do them. The mental side of this illness is terrible, it is also really hard to explain to people because they can not see any physical signs (other than some people have noticed it in my face, hope that doesn't mean I suddenly get any uglier) but because there are no physical signs sometimes to the outside world I get self conscious that people will think I am making it up. I know that this is just another thing I can stress about that isn't real but how do you stop yourself from doing that?
We found out that being anxious is a common side effect of MS. I would never have said I was an anxious person but I have realised just how bad I really am. Here are some things that recently have caused me a great deal of stress -
- Getting back to work
- Being constructive and productive at work
- Fitting back into the house and into my life in London
- Leaving my Mum and Dad again after 5 weeks down with them
- Relationship with one of my brothers (worrying about him)
- Missing my brother in America
- Not getting up to Scotland to spend time with eldest Bro, his beautiful wife and best friends
- Relationship with The Man
- Putting on weight because still not very active
- Set backs
- Not achieving
- Being grumpy
- The Man's friends not accepting me
- Not learning quick enough
As you can see just about anything can stress me out and give reason for my recovery to slow. These are all things that can make me go a little mad and lose all reasoning. This is an area that I know that I have to work on.
I should mention here that the Man has said he does understand me, he does understand why it is a problem and tonight he had that conversation with his Ex. I honestly feel bad for her, I feel bad that I might in some way add to her pain over their split but they were over by the time we got together. The Man doesn't want to cause anymore upset than he needs to so it was important for this conversation to happen. Now this has happened I will not have to stress about it and hopefully this will not bother me again.