People I feel terrible, walking is so bad that every movement hurts so much that makes me wonder what I would do without The Man. I shouldn't have gone to work today but I wanted to ty it, I wanted to see if I could manage, but guess what folks I can't. I hear the noise all the time, I get the pain but I don't know what my body is trying to tell me. I knows this is a depressing though but if I honestly listened to my body at the moment I would give up.
This pain feels like my spine is being peeled away leaving a big open wound painful and tender. I am writing to you on my phone just so you can see how horrible this really is, before I have written as an after thought so I thought if I write now you can see a little of how hard it is to stay positive sometimes.
Please don't worry thoughthis won't last long and I will back up and about to orrow, facing whatever Monster has in stall for me then. For now I shall try to sleep it off.
Monday, 28 February 2011
To swim or not to swim
This is a sneaky entry because I am writing it at work, I am not skiving I am just adding it to my list of thing to do, part of my Pomodoro.
I bought some books today -
Multiple Sclerosis: Self-help Guide to Its Management
Me and My Shadow - Learning to live with Multiple Sclerosis: Living with Multiple Sclerosis
Multiple Sclerosis
Learning to Live with Multiple Sclerosis (Overcoming Common Problems)
Multiple Sclerosis: A Guide for the Newly Diagnosed
100 Q&As About Multiple Sclerosis (100 Questions & Answers about . . .)
Multiple Sclerosis Therapeutics
I know that it might seem slightly obsessive reading all these books but I want to know everything about my illness, about Monster, I want to know how to live with him and how to live comfortably with him in my life. I could spend the next 50 years fighting him but to be honest folks, it is a fight I don't think I will win. I have been reading 'MS and your Feelings' by Allison Shadday and I have to tell you folks, it is brilliant. If you are a sufferer of MS then I definitely recommend it, it really makes sense, it is written by a counsellor that has MS so it makes a lot of sense and has both perspectives, medical and emotional.
I was hoping to go swimming tonight after work but I feel absolutely exhausted, I don't know whether I will have the energy to go now. I know that is bad and I should make myself but I can't tell what my body is telling me. It is hard to try and listen to your body when you can't understand it, I feel like someone is shouting in a foreign language at me and i have no idea what they are trying to tell me. One thing people always say to me is, listen to your body, listen to what it is trying to tell you, this is hard when you don't know how much you want to rest and how much it is because you can't be bothered. I can be bothered though, I want to go swimming, I am just too tired at the moment to be able to figure out if it will do more harm than good.
I bought some books today -
Multiple Sclerosis: Self-help Guide to Its Management
Me and My Shadow - Learning to live with Multiple Sclerosis: Living with Multiple Sclerosis
Multiple Sclerosis
Learning to Live with Multiple Sclerosis (Overcoming Common Problems)
Multiple Sclerosis: A Guide for the Newly Diagnosed
100 Q&As About Multiple Sclerosis (100 Questions & Answers about . . .)
Multiple Sclerosis Therapeutics
I know that it might seem slightly obsessive reading all these books but I want to know everything about my illness, about Monster, I want to know how to live with him and how to live comfortably with him in my life. I could spend the next 50 years fighting him but to be honest folks, it is a fight I don't think I will win. I have been reading 'MS and your Feelings' by Allison Shadday and I have to tell you folks, it is brilliant. If you are a sufferer of MS then I definitely recommend it, it really makes sense, it is written by a counsellor that has MS so it makes a lot of sense and has both perspectives, medical and emotional.
I was hoping to go swimming tonight after work but I feel absolutely exhausted, I don't know whether I will have the energy to go now. I know that is bad and I should make myself but I can't tell what my body is telling me. It is hard to try and listen to your body when you can't understand it, I feel like someone is shouting in a foreign language at me and i have no idea what they are trying to tell me. One thing people always say to me is, listen to your body, listen to what it is trying to tell you, this is hard when you don't know how much you want to rest and how much it is because you can't be bothered. I can be bothered though, I want to go swimming, I am just too tired at the moment to be able to figure out if it will do more harm than good.
Sunday, 27 February 2011
Self Respect, Confidence, Purpose
Self Respect, Concidence and Purpose are the three things in my life that are most important. The Man and I have just been discussing this and I have decided it is important for me to share this with you. I draw these things from various different places in my life -
Work
Relationship with The Man
Parents
Brothers and sistr in laws
Niece and nephews
Extended family
Friends
Colleagues
Sometimes strangers
It is important to me to hold on to these hings in life because so often I can feel like I have lost my self respect because of my illness, I don't have a lot of confidence because of my illness and I question what purpose do I have in life other than having pain all the time.
One of my new challenges is going to be to keep these three things in mind and live them. I love The Man about these things x
Loves x
Work
Relationship with The Man
Parents
Brothers and sistr in laws
Niece and nephews
Extended family
Friends
Colleagues
Sometimes strangers
It is important to me to hold on to these hings in life because so often I can feel like I have lost my self respect because of my illness, I don't have a lot of confidence because of my illness and I question what purpose do I have in life other than having pain all the time.
One of my new challenges is going to be to keep these three things in mind and live them. I love The Man about these things x
Loves x
Early Bird Post
Morning thought I would tell you that after some painkillers and a muscle relaxant I slept through the night without getting up until this morning to go to the loo. I did have the craziest dreams though, zombies, control freaks and me being dressed in school uniform...weird!
So pain was conquered last night with pig stubborn attitude, over the counter pain relief and some muscle relaxants. I should also mention the love of a good man helps and some parental care too. I feel rested today, still exhausted but I actually feel that I slept last night, which is amazing. I know most days that I am going to waken feeling as bad as I did when I went to sleep which is wearing and upsetting. It is even harder having a PMA when you feel nothing you do makes you feel any better, but today is going to be a great day because I am rested, I am happy and I am excited about the future.
I am going to attempt to convince my brother to come down for a couple of days before our family golf tornememt 'Harry Boy'. It isn't until August so I figured that is definitely enough time for us to arrange it. I miss my brothers terribly and although we are a close family I am the little sister who needs the guidance of my brothers, I learn as much from them as I do from my parents. Their job is essential in my life.
So pain was conquered last night with pig stubborn attitude, over the counter pain relief and some muscle relaxants. I should also mention the love of a good man helps and some parental care too. I feel rested today, still exhausted but I actually feel that I slept last night, which is amazing. I know most days that I am going to waken feeling as bad as I did when I went to sleep which is wearing and upsetting. It is even harder having a PMA when you feel nothing you do makes you feel any better, but today is going to be a great day because I am rested, I am happy and I am excited about the future.
I am going to attempt to convince my brother to come down for a couple of days before our family golf tornememt 'Harry Boy'. It isn't until August so I figured that is definitely enough time for us to arrange it. I miss my brothers terribly and although we are a close family I am the little sister who needs the guidance of my brothers, I learn as much from them as I do from my parents. Their job is essential in my life.
Saturday, 26 February 2011
Eat right for your type
So today has been good, I got to hang out with The Man and see my Mum and Dad. I am currently lying flat our typing to you on my phone because I feel pretty awful, if I lie down flat it is meant to make me feel better quicker but we will see how true that is.
I think this is good because having the ability to blog whilst I am feeling bad. I think that will give me more of an opportunity to explain how I feel in the good times and the bad times more accurately. Like right now my spine is spasming, my lungs feel sticky and feel as if they are stuck to the inside of my rib cage and my right lung feel like they are stuck to my kidney and it hurts, it is uncomfortable and I am just waiting for the painkillers and muscle relaxants to work.
I love coming to see my parents, when I feel shitty (please excuse the language) they make me feel safe and happy. I have such an amazing structure of people around me I feel very lucky. My aunty phoned tonight and I had a brilliant chat with her, it is lovely to speak to my aunties and uncles because it makes me realise how lucky I am to have such a close and loving family.
I am going to read the book called 'Eat Right for Your Type' which is about eating in according to your blod type.
I think this is good because having the ability to blog whilst I am feeling bad. I think that will give me more of an opportunity to explain how I feel in the good times and the bad times more accurately. Like right now my spine is spasming, my lungs feel sticky and feel as if they are stuck to the inside of my rib cage and my right lung feel like they are stuck to my kidney and it hurts, it is uncomfortable and I am just waiting for the painkillers and muscle relaxants to work.
I love coming to see my parents, when I feel shitty (please excuse the language) they make me feel safe and happy. I have such an amazing structure of people around me I feel very lucky. My aunty phoned tonight and I had a brilliant chat with her, it is lovely to speak to my aunties and uncles because it makes me realise how lucky I am to have such a close and loving family.
I am going to read the book called 'Eat Right for Your Type' which is about eating in according to your blod type.
Izzy iPhone
Coming to you from Izzy iPhone and my god she is sexy. Orange have once again made the transition between phones simple and easy. For anyone who has MS that would like an easy stress free phone contract I recommend Orange. They are a pleasure to speak to, they don't try to rip you off and are always there to help. I have been with them for about 10 years and I have to say I love them.
I should tell you that this new form of blogging might become the bane of everyones life, I can now be in touch whenever I am and as you all might appreciate... That could be dangerous for everyones health. I am loving this though, it has opened up a world of possibility for me he he he!
I am off in a minute to a hairdressing suppliers, i'm off to see if I can pervent being robbed every month getting my hair dyed, £100 just for an all over colour. I am fighting back people, I am going to get my mum to maintain my lovely red locks for me. Unfortunately cutting will have to be left to the professionals (robbing beebs).
Bye for now People
Loves
Jess x
I should tell you that this new form of blogging might become the bane of everyones life, I can now be in touch whenever I am and as you all might appreciate... That could be dangerous for everyones health. I am loving this though, it has opened up a world of possibility for me he he he!
I am off in a minute to a hairdressing suppliers, i'm off to see if I can pervent being robbed every month getting my hair dyed, £100 just for an all over colour. I am fighting back people, I am going to get my mum to maintain my lovely red locks for me. Unfortunately cutting will have to be left to the professionals (robbing beebs).
Bye for now People
Loves
Jess x
Friday, 25 February 2011
iphone 4
Hello people, hope you are all good today. I upgraded my phone today to an iphone 4 (as you might have guessed by the title). I can't use it until tomorrow and with any new piece of technology I probably have some trials and tribulations. I am excited though, I must say, it means I will be able to blog on the move, are you excited? I also answered an add about MS sufferers using an iphone, they are looking for people with problems with their hands, so I thought I would qualify, maybe I could help out in some weird and wonderful way, who knows.
Today has been a bit of a funny one, I can't get the site of those people last night out of my head. It was a tough one today, I keep thinking, what if that is me in 10 years? Anyway, I know I can't think like that, who knows what is round the corner, just got to keep going. Thought I would write a list of things I want to do -
Read Tank Girl Series
Read all of Roalh Dahl books
Listen to all of the Beatle ablums in Chronological order
Watch all the episodes of Star Trek, in order (from the 70's shows until now)
Learn to Program (computery stuff)
Swim the distance from Gosport to the Isle of Wight
Go to the Stirling Tower and walk up all the steps (yes yes yes I know it is going to cause me unbearable amounts of pain, but I want to do it one last time)
Got to go xxx
Today has been a bit of a funny one, I can't get the site of those people last night out of my head. It was a tough one today, I keep thinking, what if that is me in 10 years? Anyway, I know I can't think like that, who knows what is round the corner, just got to keep going. Thought I would write a list of things I want to do -
Read Tank Girl Series
Read all of Roalh Dahl books
Listen to all of the Beatle ablums in Chronological order
Watch all the episodes of Star Trek, in order (from the 70's shows until now)
Learn to Program (computery stuff)
Swim the distance from Gosport to the Isle of Wight
Go to the Stirling Tower and walk up all the steps (yes yes yes I know it is going to cause me unbearable amounts of pain, but I want to do it one last time)
Got to go xxx
Scary realisation for me tonight
I am just posting a wee one tonight because I am physically and mentally exhausted. I went to the MS Society Group and it was nothing like I expected, I don't really know what I thought it would be like but it definitely wasn't that, it was strange, there was a strange vibe and I faced what this disease really does to people. I met some lovely people there tonight but the experience upset me, I am scared, no sorry, terrified about what this disease is capable of, what it might do to me and my body.
Although I didn't really enjoy tonight I think I will go back next month, see if I can sort my head out a little and go there more prepared. I am not quite at the point of this journey where I can accept things fully, I can't really accept that I have the same disease as the people I saw tonight, some were twisted up in ways that you can't imagine. I saw people there tonight that if I had seen them out in the real world I would have assumed that they had Motor Neurons not MS. Anyway scary realisation for me tonight that I would like now to close my eyes and forget about, tomorrow is the next stage of acceptance I think.
Positive Mental Attitude is something that rolls off peoples tongues as if it comes next to breathing but sometimes I loose the will and just want to hide. I feel like I am living in this constant screeching, constant noise, it is pain, constant day and night pain and I am tired, I find it had to muster PMA sometimes and all I really want is peace. I know Blah Blah Blah, sorry, I bet you hate me whinging on like this but 'honest', remember I promised to be 'honest' so sorry but we have to go through this bit as well.
Time to close my eyes now, sleep tight people and I will be back tomorrow.
Thursday, 24 February 2011
Shift.ms
Comfort from Shift.ms it is true that sometimes I feel completely alone, and although I have the most amazing man in my life, the best family in the whole world and the most wonderful friends I could ever wish for, I feel different. I feel like I am watching all these amazing people around me living, and I am stuck, watching, trapped behind my skin. Woe is me you might be thinking and I apologise, but please remember that when I embarked on this journey I promised that I would be honest. I have recently found comfort in the website Shift.ms, it has helped me a because I feel like I have found other people desperate to start living as well. I have found other girls who want to walk in heels, others with the same aches and pains and people who know what it is like to have something press 'Pause' on your life.
I am having a good day so far, I am at work, tick, I am in pain, tick, I am managing my pain, tick, I am being productive, tick, I am looking forward to my meeting tonight, tick. This is my check list by the way, I don't just have a mental nervous twitch I am ticking off the things that are making my day good. I have also found out that there are MacPro Hard drives in stock so I will be able to have one....yeaaaaa!
Better go.
I am having a good day so far, I am at work, tick, I am in pain, tick, I am managing my pain, tick, I am being productive, tick, I am looking forward to my meeting tonight, tick. This is my check list by the way, I don't just have a mental nervous twitch I am ticking off the things that are making my day good. I have also found out that there are MacPro Hard drives in stock so I will be able to have one....yeaaaaa!
Better go.
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
Black Swan/Toilet Talk/New Name for a Symptom
Black Swan...well that is a film, and when I say that I mean it is a film about how crazy females really are; as if we needed any help. I fight a daily battle with myself not to grow three heads and start biting folk, and now they have made a film that highlights the craziness I hide everyday. I couldn't believe it, and I couldn't believe that two geeks like The Man and I went to see such a film. I didn't completely hate it, there were things about the film that I liked, the credits were awesome he he he! No in all seriousness, I liked some of the film but then I think it was a little too arty farty for two computer geeks.
I have just been watching some films about 'trigeminal neuralgia' and unbelievably it explains the pains I a have been getting in my head. I don't think I have been getting migraines, I don't know, maybe I have but a migraine doesn't usually ease with normal painkillers and if I can keep them down, this pain does ease with painkillers. So here is what I think I have been suffering from - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001751
Here is the video I just watched about it (and I can totally identify with what she is saying) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzgpstBWjQw
So everyday is a school day and that is what I have learnt today.
I am working from home today because once again I spent most of the night getting up going to the toilet. I bet you have missed my toilet talk, so I thought I would add some in for you, for old times sake. I hate going to the toilet; I need the toilet about 75% of my waking day because I still have difficulties going, now if girls did do number 2's then I would also have problems with that too, if you get what I mean. Somewhere in God's sick sense of humour he has decided that I can have a 10 second warning and I must get to a toilet, but there is only a 40% chance it will be a real alarm, it might just cause an enormous serge of pain through my body and nothing will happen. Other times though I just make it to the loo. Thankfully I am not that silly and where ever I am I make sure I can get to the toilet quickly or at least into a pub or something. I will reassure you that I so far have not had any accidents, it just causes another stress that I could really do without.
So I thought I would give you a run down of my current symptoms -
I have just been watching some films about 'trigeminal neuralgia' and unbelievably it explains the pains I a have been getting in my head. I don't think I have been getting migraines, I don't know, maybe I have but a migraine doesn't usually ease with normal painkillers and if I can keep them down, this pain does ease with painkillers. So here is what I think I have been suffering from - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001751
Here is the video I just watched about it (and I can totally identify with what she is saying) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzgpstBWjQw
So everyday is a school day and that is what I have learnt today.
I am working from home today because once again I spent most of the night getting up going to the toilet. I bet you have missed my toilet talk, so I thought I would add some in for you, for old times sake. I hate going to the toilet; I need the toilet about 75% of my waking day because I still have difficulties going, now if girls did do number 2's then I would also have problems with that too, if you get what I mean. Somewhere in God's sick sense of humour he has decided that I can have a 10 second warning and I must get to a toilet, but there is only a 40% chance it will be a real alarm, it might just cause an enormous serge of pain through my body and nothing will happen. Other times though I just make it to the loo. Thankfully I am not that silly and where ever I am I make sure I can get to the toilet quickly or at least into a pub or something. I will reassure you that I so far have not had any accidents, it just causes another stress that I could really do without.
So I thought I would give you a run down of my current symptoms -
- Drop Foot - making walking uncomfortable and painful
- Spasming legs - jarring my spine and causing a lot of discomfort
- Spasming Spine - causing horrific amounts of pain
- Smashing feeling in the top of my skull, through the back of my eyes and down under my chin (possibly trigeminal neuralgia)
- Electric Shocks through my organs causing a lot of pain
- Needing the toilet all the time, causing discomfort all the time
- Fatigue - feeling exhausted all the time and finding hard to concentrate all the time
- Not being able to sleep properly because of when I fall asleep I wake up needing the toilet.
- Mentally struggling to accept that this is happening to me and trying to manage it the best I can
Sounds like an unlucky Christmas Stocking huh!
Never mind though folks, every day is a new day and I just have to keep moving forward.
Better go do some work.
Loves
Jess xxx
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
Quick post
I went swimming and did 60 lengths today, that is 1020 meters. I know that doesn't sound a lot and I should try and push a little harder but I am just trying to get into a regular pattern and then I will increase it gradually. I love swimming, it gives me time to center myself and thoughts, it also relieves some of my everyday discomfort which is brilliant.
Today will be a good day
I am sitting here and MS is going through my mind, I am feeling consumed today by my illness. I know that I seem to be moany lately so I am not going to stay long and whinge at you, just thought that I am feeling particularly consumed at the moment. I am a little lost in my pain at the moment and constantly feeling exhausted, but today is a new day and I am getting my hair cut, so hopefully today will be a good day.
Hopefully I will be back later on a happy note.
Monday, 21 February 2011
shift.ms
Good Day everyone, hope you are all well today. I am having on of those days where I know 'The Monster' is waiting to just out and get me, little shocks, aching spine, sore head, feeling really fatigued. When I feel like this I have no idea what the best thing to do is, if I waste my whole day doing what I think is best, resting, then i have no idea if that will make me feel better later, if I get up and start doing things I might feel ok later or I might have the same as Saturday night.
I have used some time to go on http://www.shift.ms/ and chat to people. I thought I would attempt to arrange a meet up for people with MS in my area, just to see if anyone would be interested. There is a 'Happenings' section on the site so I thought I would give it a go. I will keep you updated on how it goes.
Right now though folks I am going to try and have a nap, I am feeling pretty rubbish. I will be back later though, I promise.
Loves for now
Jess x
I have used some time to go on http://www.shift.ms/ and chat to people. I thought I would attempt to arrange a meet up for people with MS in my area, just to see if anyone would be interested. There is a 'Happenings' section on the site so I thought I would give it a go. I will keep you updated on how it goes.
Right now though folks I am going to try and have a nap, I am feeling pretty rubbish. I will be back later though, I promise.
Loves for now
Jess x
Sunday, 20 February 2011
Facebook Comment feature problem, sorry!
Lovely people it looks like I am having a little technical issue with my new and fancy Facebook Comment feature I apologise so if you have left a comment and I haven't got back to you sorry, I will fix it as soon as I can (would help if I worked in I.T huh! Oh wait I do). Yep, as ever I have technical problems but never mind, we live in the age of technology and I swear I spend more time fixing issues than enjoying the wonders of it all, on the other hand, it keeps me in a job.
I am happy to say that today hasn't been too bad feelings wise but unfortunately yesterday was horrendous. I completely wrecked myself yesterday and was so ill it was horrible, my whole body went into spasm, I had a migraine and it eventually made me throw up. I think after a whole week of activities I had completely over did it. Here is a run down of my week -
Monday - I worked from home - went to the driving range (I watched) and then had dinner out, bed
Tuesday - I had a rest day, I slept until 12pm and then went for a swim, did 50 lengths, bed
Wednesday - I worked from home, I went for a swim and did 70 lengths,bed
Thursday - Went to work, went out for dinner, bed
Friday - Went to work, went to Matt S leaving do, home by 12am, bed
Saturday - Rested until 15.30, went for a swim 50 lengths, went for dinner, stopped in to a birthday party, home in bed by 12am
Sunday - went for breakfast, went to a comic shop (heaven), went to the cinema to see Paul, had dinner out.
Anyway this week I shall keep you posted and try and give you a quick run down of my activities and how I feel, lets call it Daily Summary.
Signing off now.
Loves
Jess xxxxxxxx
I am happy to say that today hasn't been too bad feelings wise but unfortunately yesterday was horrendous. I completely wrecked myself yesterday and was so ill it was horrible, my whole body went into spasm, I had a migraine and it eventually made me throw up. I think after a whole week of activities I had completely over did it. Here is a run down of my week -
Monday - I worked from home - went to the driving range (I watched) and then had dinner out, bed
Tuesday - I had a rest day, I slept until 12pm and then went for a swim, did 50 lengths, bed
Wednesday - I worked from home, I went for a swim and did 70 lengths,bed
Thursday - Went to work, went out for dinner, bed
Friday - Went to work, went to Matt S leaving do, home by 12am, bed
Saturday - Rested until 15.30, went for a swim 50 lengths, went for dinner, stopped in to a birthday party, home in bed by 12am
Sunday - went for breakfast, went to a comic shop (heaven), went to the cinema to see Paul, had dinner out.
Anyway this week I shall keep you posted and try and give you a quick run down of my activities and how I feel, lets call it Daily Summary.
Signing off now.
Loves
Jess xxxxxxxx
Saturday, 19 February 2011
Facebook comments added
I have added something cool on to the Blog folks, it allows you to add a not through your facebook account. If you look down at the bottom of this blog post you will see a new box, if you are signed into your Facebook account you can add a comment onto the Blog without registering so Please Please people talk to me, although I love my Blog because it is therapy for me I would also love some feedback.
The Man's sister is coming over today and we are going to go swimming, she loves to swim as well so it is really nice to have someone to go with. We are all heading out for my housemates Birthday drinks later. I will obviously not be boozing but everyone else will, I might sneak home early and leave them to it. It should be a fun night, they are all drinking all day so to be honest I don't think we will all be out too long, they are planning to have a house party so I believe we will be back in 110 at a reasonable time. It is Kates birthday drinks and Jess's actual birthday today so they are having a Combo.
The Man has been amazing today, he made me breakfast in bed and is now sitting behind me while I type stroking by back. I am so luck to have him in my life, I honestly can't imagine life without him in it now, considering I was happy to be on my own, I didn't want a man in my life (messing things up), I didn't want to be someones 'and'. How wrong could I have been, I love every minute I get to spend with him, he most definitely doesn't mess my life up and I love being his 'and'. I know blah blah blah!
I am going to go rest for a while now, I might be back later but thought I would check in now incase the day goes crazy later.
Please talk to me folks, now that I made it easier for you all.
Loves
Jess xxxxxxx
The Man's sister is coming over today and we are going to go swimming, she loves to swim as well so it is really nice to have someone to go with. We are all heading out for my housemates Birthday drinks later. I will obviously not be boozing but everyone else will, I might sneak home early and leave them to it. It should be a fun night, they are all drinking all day so to be honest I don't think we will all be out too long, they are planning to have a house party so I believe we will be back in 110 at a reasonable time. It is Kates birthday drinks and Jess's actual birthday today so they are having a Combo.
The Man has been amazing today, he made me breakfast in bed and is now sitting behind me while I type stroking by back. I am so luck to have him in my life, I honestly can't imagine life without him in it now, considering I was happy to be on my own, I didn't want a man in my life (messing things up), I didn't want to be someones 'and'. How wrong could I have been, I love every minute I get to spend with him, he most definitely doesn't mess my life up and I love being his 'and'. I know blah blah blah!
I am going to go rest for a while now, I might be back later but thought I would check in now incase the day goes crazy later.
Please talk to me folks, now that I made it easier for you all.
Loves
Jess xxxxxxx
Friday, 18 February 2011
Strong outside influences
Now you might very well begin to think I am mental but yesterday I bought the Bible in Manga form and I am very excited about it turning up today. I think in this day and age people are willing to invest the time to read these things if they are interesting (don't get your knickers in a twist, the Bible is interesting). I think this new form comic helps me attack things that I wouldn't necessarily sit down and read otherwise. I like that at the end of the day I might get to the end of a comic knowing more than I did when I started.
I am at work again today which is brilliant, just taking time out to write to you for my lunch break, so don't panic folk I am not skiving. I may have stayed at home today but I was desperate to come in because I had such a good day yesterday, I really enjoyed my day yesterday. I should explain the conversation I had with the Boss yesterday, I will start by explaining that since I found out about my illness I seem to be homing in on the people I really trust, Dr Elrington, my GP (Dr B) and the Boss, they are all people that are important figures in my life without being to mixed up and involved in my everyday pain and discomfort, like The Man, my Dad, my Mum, my Brothers, The Man's Mum and Dad, my friends and so on. It is important to have strong outside influences in your life to help keep you on the straight and narrow and also to look up to and the three that straight away come to mind are Dr Elrington, my GP (Dr B) and the Boss.
I went to speak to the Boss about having a monthly meeting about my progress, I want to ensure that at all times everyone involved feels comfortable about talking to me. I want to ensure that if for any reason there are concerns about me not doing enough, or questions about what I am doing and how I am recovering then there is a platform (so to speak) where they can do so. I also think that it gives me strict timeframes to try and achieve things and also give me the opportunities to raise any concerns I might have. I have set this meeting up for the first time on the 16th March so fingers crossed it is successful and helpful to all.
Today I feel poo, I would honestly attempt to rip out my own spine if I didn't have to go in the long way (through my chest cavity). I have taken a muscle relaxant and have been shocking the hell out of my back attempting to manage the discomfort and so far so good really. Thinking of this I must just say that people call me brave, strong, remarkable and other words that hold such great meanings but I must say that to be honest with you all I am terrified most of the time and sometimes sink into dark places within my mind that if anyone knew (other than The Man) would maybe not hold me in such amazing light. I try not to get down too much but I definitely don't think I deserve these words a lot of the time.
I have committed to going to an MS help group in my local area which I think is a step forward, not entirely sure if it is in the right direction but definitely progress I think. It is on Thursday of next week quite near my house, they offered to come and pick me up but I think I would like to walk in there with my head held high. I don't want to go to a group to listen to people moan about how life is, I would like to go and discover coping mechanisms, management techniques and possibly to see other faces who know what this feels like. I am luck in the way I have a strong support structure of my own, in some ways I am almost hoping that this group makes me see that even more, makes me realise that I can do this with the help and support of my family and friends. To be honest though, right now I am just willing to try anything to get me back to the life I would like to live.
Signing off just now but will be back soon xxx
I am at work again today which is brilliant, just taking time out to write to you for my lunch break, so don't panic folk I am not skiving. I may have stayed at home today but I was desperate to come in because I had such a good day yesterday, I really enjoyed my day yesterday. I should explain the conversation I had with the Boss yesterday, I will start by explaining that since I found out about my illness I seem to be homing in on the people I really trust, Dr Elrington, my GP (Dr B) and the Boss, they are all people that are important figures in my life without being to mixed up and involved in my everyday pain and discomfort, like The Man, my Dad, my Mum, my Brothers, The Man's Mum and Dad, my friends and so on. It is important to have strong outside influences in your life to help keep you on the straight and narrow and also to look up to and the three that straight away come to mind are Dr Elrington, my GP (Dr B) and the Boss.
I went to speak to the Boss about having a monthly meeting about my progress, I want to ensure that at all times everyone involved feels comfortable about talking to me. I want to ensure that if for any reason there are concerns about me not doing enough, or questions about what I am doing and how I am recovering then there is a platform (so to speak) where they can do so. I also think that it gives me strict timeframes to try and achieve things and also give me the opportunities to raise any concerns I might have. I have set this meeting up for the first time on the 16th March so fingers crossed it is successful and helpful to all.
Today I feel poo, I would honestly attempt to rip out my own spine if I didn't have to go in the long way (through my chest cavity). I have taken a muscle relaxant and have been shocking the hell out of my back attempting to manage the discomfort and so far so good really. Thinking of this I must just say that people call me brave, strong, remarkable and other words that hold such great meanings but I must say that to be honest with you all I am terrified most of the time and sometimes sink into dark places within my mind that if anyone knew (other than The Man) would maybe not hold me in such amazing light. I try not to get down too much but I definitely don't think I deserve these words a lot of the time.
I have committed to going to an MS help group in my local area which I think is a step forward, not entirely sure if it is in the right direction but definitely progress I think. It is on Thursday of next week quite near my house, they offered to come and pick me up but I think I would like to walk in there with my head held high. I don't want to go to a group to listen to people moan about how life is, I would like to go and discover coping mechanisms, management techniques and possibly to see other faces who know what this feels like. I am luck in the way I have a strong support structure of my own, in some ways I am almost hoping that this group makes me see that even more, makes me realise that I can do this with the help and support of my family and friends. To be honest though, right now I am just willing to try anything to get me back to the life I would like to live.
Signing off just now but will be back soon xxx
Thursday, 17 February 2011
Boss Man
I am writing to you all from work, I am very excited today because I am purely managing my pain with the Tens machine and a pig stubborn attitude. I am incredibly uncomfortable today but I feel like my day has purpose which is out weighing this horrible vortex that I appear to be stuck in. It is quite a weird concept that to treat my pain I am giving myself periods of electric shocks, doesn't sound like it would make sense but honestly it does. I think the Tens machine breaks the pain cycle in my back, it momentarily moves the attention away from my spasming spine. I wonder what new and inventive ways I will find to manage my MS through time, I can imagine myself spending a lot of my time finding different approaches each one lasting a certain amount of time.
I had a lovely conversation with the Boss today, he has been amazing throughout this whole time. I know that I must appear to be over anxious and mizzy because I am not back at work full time but I want my life back. I think by now you all know that I love my job, I love the challenge it presents me on a daily basis and I love the people I get to work and socialise with. If I could be back full time I would be here in a shot, no qualms at all (he he he! I have wanted to use that word 'qualms' for ages). Anyway I will not bore you with the work talk again.
I am hoping to go to the cinema with The Man tonight so fingers crossed that will be possible folks. I may not get to write again today but I will try. I will leave you with the little piece of knowledge that today is a good day.
Loves
Jess xxx
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
Better Day
I spoke to my Dad today and bless him he pointed out the amount of times I begin my sentences with 'So', I apologise for this it is bad English and I didn't realise quite how often I did it. Actually for all of you that don't know me I should explain that I speak to my Mum and Dad everyday, they are most definitely two of my favourite people in this whole entire world, and when I grow up I want to be just like them (with a mix of my big brothers as well, cause they a 3 more of my favourite people).
I got a lovely surprise today, I received an email of someone with MS, who got my Blog address from their GP, which is awesome. I am very happy for people going through this as well to contact me, over the last few months I have decided I need other people in my life going through this as well, maybe I can't do it alone like I first thought. I am not doing too badly, I know I moan a lot and I apologise for that but I am also getting stronger mentally everyday and physically I will get there, I know I will.
This is only a short post to say I am happier today than I have been. I did 70 lengths in the pool today and now I am going to curl up with The Man and enjoy the rest of my evening.
Loves always xxx
Jess
I got a lovely surprise today, I received an email of someone with MS, who got my Blog address from their GP, which is awesome. I am very happy for people going through this as well to contact me, over the last few months I have decided I need other people in my life going through this as well, maybe I can't do it alone like I first thought. I am not doing too badly, I know I moan a lot and I apologise for that but I am also getting stronger mentally everyday and physically I will get there, I know I will.
This is only a short post to say I am happier today than I have been. I did 70 lengths in the pool today and now I am going to curl up with The Man and enjoy the rest of my evening.
Loves always xxx
Jess
Swim swim swim
So once again my internet is playing up badly so if I am quiet then please bare with me I am working from home at the moment because my legs are quite bad and keeping me up most of the night. I hope to be in work tomorrow but I can't guarantee it. It is so frustrating being on the wrong side of my MS, I feel like I am fighting all the time for just a little normality, I feel like I am stuck in a vortex of pain that I can't seem to get out of. I have been attempting to manage my pain and spasms with muscle relaxants but it is still so painful and restricting. I can't control my left leg very well and it hurts to move, it makes my spine ache and spasm. I worry about walking up and down the stairs when my legs are bad because if they start to spasm on the stairs I have no control and I worry that I will fall. Also when my legs and spine are bad my balance is bad as well.
I am thinking about trying to get down to the pool to swim, I find that being in the water relieves the pressure and when my leg spasms in the water the water hugs it, putting a little resistance on it so that it doesn't hurt me so much. So with that in mind I think I am going to go do that now.
Love to you all xxx
I am thinking about trying to get down to the pool to swim, I find that being in the water relieves the pressure and when my leg spasms in the water the water hugs it, putting a little resistance on it so that it doesn't hurt me so much. So with that in mind I think I am going to go do that now.
Love to you all xxx
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
Tank Girl (1995) - Trailer
This is one of my Fav films and I am very excited because I just ordered it he he he!
Sunbeds, Swimming and Sauna
So the internet in our house is atrocious, it hardly works at the best of times and drops in and out all the time, I find it so frustrating but I guess that worse things could happen in life. I am thinking about getting a dongle, where you pay per month and can connect anywhere, I think it will ease my mind about living in the centre of London and still not being able to get on line. Rant, rant, ranty rant rant!
So I am not feeling too bad today, tired (fatigued) but the pain is bearable. I slept in today, as it is a rest day I don’t feel too guilty about doing that. I got up and at about 12pm I headed down for a swim, which by the way is my favourite type of exercise, the water helps take pressure away. I decided to treat myself, and get myself a course of sunbeds, now before you all think that this is the worse thing in the world I could do let me explain. Firstly, when you are constantly ill, you get down easily, when you feel really heavy and uncomfortable all the time it is easy to start to think that you are hugely fat and repulsive to the rest of the world so doing anything that makes you feel better is a good thing in my opinion. Multiple Sclerosis is also caused by a Vitamin D deficiency they suspect so I am thinking that through our long winters a little boost on the Sunbed can’t hurt too much, also when I am tanned it makes me feel good about myself, so in 2 ways I am allowing myself this little luxury. When I was ill before back in Scotland they couldn’t stop the pain, they had me dosed up to the eyeballs on pain killers (not advisable people, don’t let them do it to you) but still I was in unbearable pain so the doctor actually told me to heat my whole body, to force my body to relax, they suggested using the sunbeds to do this.
Anyway enough of justifying my actions, I went swimming and did 50 lengths of a 17 meter pool which is 850 metres and I spent 10 minutes in the sauna. I know that physically I can do more than that but at the moment I have the problem that I pay for every activity with pain so I thought I would do 50 this time, 60 next time and so on, this is so that I don’t put myself back. I really enjoy swimming and it gives me some time to put my thoughts in order, I enjoy being feeling like have achieved something and swimming is an easy way of gaining this feeling. So I am going to try and go swimming two times and hopefully go to a couple of classes as well.
The reason I have been telling you all about all the things I am trying to achieve is because I would really like you to all know that I am not just sitting here constantly feeling sorry for myself (although I must admit I do quite a lot), that I am actively trying to better myself through this whole experience. Hopefully when I come out of this bad patch I will be a new and improved version of my former self. Mum actually laughed at me earlier because I said ‘the best type of rest for us is lying flat’ she said it sounded like I had removed myself and others with MS from the human race. I think that those of you who have MS will know that sometimes you don’t feel human, I definitely don’t, I feel like I am a watcher of the human race but I feel different to them and I can not take part in some of their human ways. Yes, I know I sound nuts but I am sorry it is true. So if I don’t feel human anymore then whatever I am I want it to be the very best that it can be.
Right enough nonsense. Loves always. Night night
Jess xxxx
So I am not feeling too bad today, tired (fatigued) but the pain is bearable. I slept in today, as it is a rest day I don’t feel too guilty about doing that. I got up and at about 12pm I headed down for a swim, which by the way is my favourite type of exercise, the water helps take pressure away. I decided to treat myself, and get myself a course of sunbeds, now before you all think that this is the worse thing in the world I could do let me explain. Firstly, when you are constantly ill, you get down easily, when you feel really heavy and uncomfortable all the time it is easy to start to think that you are hugely fat and repulsive to the rest of the world so doing anything that makes you feel better is a good thing in my opinion. Multiple Sclerosis is also caused by a Vitamin D deficiency they suspect so I am thinking that through our long winters a little boost on the Sunbed can’t hurt too much, also when I am tanned it makes me feel good about myself, so in 2 ways I am allowing myself this little luxury. When I was ill before back in Scotland they couldn’t stop the pain, they had me dosed up to the eyeballs on pain killers (not advisable people, don’t let them do it to you) but still I was in unbearable pain so the doctor actually told me to heat my whole body, to force my body to relax, they suggested using the sunbeds to do this.
Anyway enough of justifying my actions, I went swimming and did 50 lengths of a 17 meter pool which is 850 metres and I spent 10 minutes in the sauna. I know that physically I can do more than that but at the moment I have the problem that I pay for every activity with pain so I thought I would do 50 this time, 60 next time and so on, this is so that I don’t put myself back. I really enjoy swimming and it gives me some time to put my thoughts in order, I enjoy being feeling like have achieved something and swimming is an easy way of gaining this feeling. So I am going to try and go swimming two times and hopefully go to a couple of classes as well.
The reason I have been telling you all about all the things I am trying to achieve is because I would really like you to all know that I am not just sitting here constantly feeling sorry for myself (although I must admit I do quite a lot), that I am actively trying to better myself through this whole experience. Hopefully when I come out of this bad patch I will be a new and improved version of my former self. Mum actually laughed at me earlier because I said ‘the best type of rest for us is lying flat’ she said it sounded like I had removed myself and others with MS from the human race. I think that those of you who have MS will know that sometimes you don’t feel human, I definitely don’t, I feel like I am a watcher of the human race but I feel different to them and I can not take part in some of their human ways. Yes, I know I sound nuts but I am sorry it is true. So if I don’t feel human anymore then whatever I am I want it to be the very best that it can be.
Right enough nonsense. Loves always. Night night
Jess xxxx
Monday, 14 February 2011
Improving myself
Hello folks, sorry I have been quiet over the last few days. I did write to you but accidentally deleted it all DOH! To be honest the last post was a little whingy anyway so it is better that I didn't post it I think. I thought I would write to you and tell you my plans and progress at work, every year we have a PDP (Personal Development Plan) which I want to utilise to the best of my ability, it is an opportunity to steer your career in the direction you want it to go.
End - Performance Review
April - May - Diary individual Perfermance Review in
- Prepare them - Ask team members to prepare their review forms before the meeting include evidence for achievements against the objectives and sky behaviours as well as the summary of performance.
- At the meeting - Joint discussion for agreeing rating decisions for performance.
June - Salary Reviews
Diary in individual review and conversation
At the meeting - discuss reasons for this pay decision.
So this is the yearly plan geared to get the best out of your PDP's. I have spent the last year doing some course trying to improve myself even though I have had a bit of an upset year I still want to get a good score in my PDP. So I thought I would tell you what I have done this year so far -
E Courses (online through our Development Suite) -
Maximising Great Performance
Decision Making Models
Objective Setting
Prioritisation
What is new in Microsoft Office Exel 2007
Finding Solutions
Self Management
Learn about Money
Sky Forum Overview
Absence and You
Excel 2007 Working with Pivot Tables and Charts
Excel 2007 - Performing Calculations on Data
Chart of Accounts
Building Modelling Best Practice
MP3 - I have on my Ipod to listen to
Art of being Assertive
Building Relationship
Dealing with nerves
Dealing with time bandits
delivering results
developing a future
Effective prioritisation
Getting the Best
How to reduce stress in the workplace
learning to learn
listen up
Making effective decisions
Setting smart Goals
Spiritual intelligence
successful negotiation skills
taking control of your career
The Art of Leadership
Thinking on your feet.
Courses I have done or have confirmed -
Backpackers part one
Backpackers part two
Scrum Master Course
Programming Foundation
Agile Awareness
Courses that I have awaiting to be approved -
Project Management for non project managers
Releasing your potential
Time Management
Persuasion Masterclass
So as you can see I have been busy trying to learn as much as I can with the time that I have had. I love learning new things and I love learning things that will eventually help me. It is important for me to know and understand as much as I can and be a valid member of our team.
So the SMART objectives I have are -
Specific
What exactly needs to be achieved for your department? Everyone to be involved in the work, to learn as much as they can and to improve in any areas that they can. I would like to be more confident in my work and also to learn more programming along with some leadership qualities within the process.
What exactly do you personally need to achieve? Courses around Programming and Scrum Master course.
What is the output required?
What end result are you looking for? To be a more effective at work, to have more skills and to be able to improve processes within the team.
Measurable
How are you going to measure your success? Processes that I approve within in the team and the added skills I bring to the team.
How will you know you have been successful? Processes that I implement within the team improve the workflow.
How will you measure success? Cost / Time / KPIs / People Survey results? People feedback.
What evidence will you provide? The feedback given and process that have been implemented.
Where / Who will the evidence come from? From team and other members of the department.
Agreed
Are the objectives in line with the bigger picture? (sky goals)
Tuned-in - The added skills I would pick up would be would help improve customer experience
We’re in tune with our customers, our people and society.
Irrepressible - I am excited about the opportunity to learn
Our energy and innovation is reflected in everything we do.
Inviting Improving some processes within the team could help the team work together and more effectively
We work together in an open way to engage customers and each other.
Fun - I love my job and the opportunity to learn and improve.
We love what we do and we think that shows through.
Are all parties involved with the objectives clear about what needs to be achieved? Yes
Has the objective been agreed with all those involved? ???
Realistic
Do the objectives provide some stretch and challenge? The learning is definitely a challenge and trying to improve processes within the team will definitely stretch my knowledge and confidence.
Are they also achievable? Yes
Can the objectives be achieved given resources, time available, skill and knowledge? Yes
What help will be required and by who? Training resource and space to experiment.
Are there any dependencies? Resource
Timed
Objectives are great but unless you put a time against them they are nothing more than good ideas - have you put specific time in place? July 2010 - June 2011
Can the goals be reached in the agreed timeframe? Yes
Anyway I shall leave this there for now but you get my idea huh!
I don't know if you can read this but I will go through it -
Beginning - Objective Setting
July - Clarify how statagey applies to your department or function or team
- Set department / functional objectives and cascade to your team
- Agree objectives & development plan for your team members for the coming year
During - Track Performance (August - September) > Mid Year Review (December) > Track Performance (January - March)
August - September - Schedule regular 1 to 1's
- Track Progress on what (objectives) has been achieved and how (behaviours)
- Give regular feedbacks on performance
December - Conduct individual reviews with your team members - reviewing achievement against objectives and development plans
- Check if objectives are still relevant - if not amend as appropriate
- Ensure opportunities for training and development are available
- Enter the performance rating on the online PDP Form
January - March - Schedule monthly 1 to 1's
- Track Progress on what (objectives) has been achieved and how (behaviours)
- Prompt your team to collect feedback on performance for their performance review from key stakeholders
- Give regular feed back on performance to ensure there are no surprises at year end
End - Performance Review
April - May - Diary individual Perfermance Review in
- Prepare them - Ask team members to prepare their review forms before the meeting include evidence for achievements against the objectives and sky behaviours as well as the summary of performance.
- At the meeting - Joint discussion for agreeing rating decisions for performance.
June - Salary Reviews
Diary in individual review and conversation
At the meeting - discuss reasons for this pay decision.
So this is the yearly plan geared to get the best out of your PDP's. I have spent the last year doing some course trying to improve myself even though I have had a bit of an upset year I still want to get a good score in my PDP. So I thought I would tell you what I have done this year so far -
E Courses (online through our Development Suite) -
Maximising Great Performance
Decision Making Models
Objective Setting
Prioritisation
What is new in Microsoft Office Exel 2007
Finding Solutions
Self Management
Learn about Money
Sky Forum Overview
Absence and You
Excel 2007 Working with Pivot Tables and Charts
Excel 2007 - Performing Calculations on Data
Chart of Accounts
Building Modelling Best Practice
MP3 - I have on my Ipod to listen to
Art of being Assertive
Building Relationship
Dealing with nerves
Dealing with time bandits
delivering results
developing a future
Effective prioritisation
Getting the Best
How to reduce stress in the workplace
learning to learn
listen up
Making effective decisions
Setting smart Goals
Spiritual intelligence
successful negotiation skills
taking control of your career
The Art of Leadership
Thinking on your feet.
Courses I have done or have confirmed -
Backpackers part one
Backpackers part two
Scrum Master Course
Programming Foundation
Agile Awareness
Courses that I have awaiting to be approved -
Project Management for non project managers
Releasing your potential
Time Management
Persuasion Masterclass
So as you can see I have been busy trying to learn as much as I can with the time that I have had. I love learning new things and I love learning things that will eventually help me. It is important for me to know and understand as much as I can and be a valid member of our team.
So the SMART objectives I have are -
Specific
What exactly needs to be achieved for your department? Everyone to be involved in the work, to learn as much as they can and to improve in any areas that they can. I would like to be more confident in my work and also to learn more programming along with some leadership qualities within the process.
What exactly do you personally need to achieve? Courses around Programming and Scrum Master course.
What is the output required?
What end result are you looking for? To be a more effective at work, to have more skills and to be able to improve processes within the team.
Measurable
How are you going to measure your success? Processes that I approve within in the team and the added skills I bring to the team.
How will you know you have been successful? Processes that I implement within the team improve the workflow.
How will you measure success? Cost / Time / KPIs / People Survey results? People feedback.
What evidence will you provide? The feedback given and process that have been implemented.
Where / Who will the evidence come from? From team and other members of the department.
Agreed
Are the objectives in line with the bigger picture? (sky goals)
Tuned-in - The added skills I would pick up would be would help improve customer experience
We’re in tune with our customers, our people and society.
Irrepressible - I am excited about the opportunity to learn
Our energy and innovation is reflected in everything we do.
Inviting Improving some processes within the team could help the team work together and more effectively
We work together in an open way to engage customers and each other.
Fun - I love my job and the opportunity to learn and improve.
We love what we do and we think that shows through.
Are all parties involved with the objectives clear about what needs to be achieved? Yes
Has the objective been agreed with all those involved? ???
Realistic
Do the objectives provide some stretch and challenge? The learning is definitely a challenge and trying to improve processes within the team will definitely stretch my knowledge and confidence.
Are they also achievable? Yes
Can the objectives be achieved given resources, time available, skill and knowledge? Yes
What help will be required and by who? Training resource and space to experiment.
Are there any dependencies? Resource
Timed
Objectives are great but unless you put a time against them they are nothing more than good ideas - have you put specific time in place? July 2010 - June 2011
Can the goals be reached in the agreed timeframe? Yes
Anyway I shall leave this there for now but you get my idea huh!
Friday, 11 February 2011
Course
I am at work at the moment and I have to say I have had quite a good day. The day started fantastically, The Man stayed with me this morning, I didn't feel too good but really wanted to come to work. I got into work about 11.45 and was in a lot of discomfort, but I made it in so it was worth it. I sorted out the course I want to go on in March (over my Birthday), here is what I will learn about
Course outline
Chapter 1: System Components
Computer system components
Central hardware components
Software components
Operating systems
Processes
Virtual memory
Virtualisation
Applications
Bringing it all together
Chapter 2: First Steps
What is a program?
Programming languages
Creating a program
A first program
What does a program do?
Paper to program
Giving names to data items
Special characters
Applications and libraries
Administration tools and utilities
Programming tools and utilities
Chapter 3: Software Production
Where does software come from?
Do you really have to pay?
Software licenses
Stages in software production
Understanding the specification
Agile software production
Basic flowcharting
Most programs consist of three parts
Checking and testing
Version control
Prototyping
Chapter 4: Data
Representing data
Bits, bytes and words
Conventions
Fundamental types
Getting it wrong
Representing characters
Sort order of numbers and text
The problem with the Euro
Representing integers
Representing floating point
Representing time
Arrays and lists
Associative arrays
Records
Chapter 5: Variables and Operators
Variables and constants
Objects
Life of a variable – scope
An alternative to scope
Choosing variable names
Names you should not use
Operations on data
Choosing variable types
Assignment
Simple operations?
Precedence
Comments
Chapter 6: Flow Control
Flow control
Altering program flow
Simple decision statements
What is truth?
Boolean operators
Logical operators
Using logical operators
Loops
Array processing
Language supplied iterators
Interrupt handling
Exception handling
Chapter 7: Program Structure
Scope revisited
Named blocks
Calling a subroutine
Passing a copy of data
Passing a reference to data
Returning results
Entry points
Modules and Libraries
Asynchronous subroutines – Threads
Chapter 8: Input and Output
What is a file?
File systems
Exchangeable file systems
I/O Libraries and Layers
Opening a file
Opening a file – checks
Opening a file – modes
Sequential access
Random access
Buffering
Concurrency issues
Locking strategies
Chapter 9: Building Applications
Compilation
Linking
Loading and running
Process attribute inheritance
Portability
Emulators
Interpretation
The third way: Byte-code
Pre-processing
Optimisation
Debuggers
Chapter 10: User Interfaces
User IO
Text terminal IO
Pros and Cons of text terminal interface
Text terminal IO development cycle
Graphical User Interfaces
GUI Examples
Pros and cons of GUIs
Client-Server Systems
Web application development
Frameworks
Printing
Accessibility
Chapter 11: Coding Style
Virtues of a programmer
Readability and style
Naming conventions
Error handling
Programming for change
The need for speed
Programming for performance
Constants – aren’t
Portability and flexibility
Help!
Chapter 12: Support and Debugging
Why does software have bugs?
Programs break!
Understanding the problem
End-user discussions
Finding a solution
Debugging a compiled program
Other tools
Some bug types
Trace statements
Dealing with 3rd party support
Distributing a patch
So this is a three day course on the 9th of March to the 11th of March. I think my brain might bleed after this one huh!
Right going to head off just now but I will probably write again later.
Course outline
Chapter 1: System Components
Computer system components
Central hardware components
Software components
Operating systems
Processes
Virtual memory
Virtualisation
Applications
Bringing it all together
Chapter 2: First Steps
What is a program?
Programming languages
Creating a program
A first program
What does a program do?
Paper to program
Giving names to data items
Special characters
Applications and libraries
Administration tools and utilities
Programming tools and utilities
Chapter 3: Software Production
Where does software come from?
Do you really have to pay?
Software licenses
Stages in software production
Understanding the specification
Agile software production
Basic flowcharting
Most programs consist of three parts
Checking and testing
Version control
Prototyping
Chapter 4: Data
Representing data
Bits, bytes and words
Conventions
Fundamental types
Getting it wrong
Representing characters
Sort order of numbers and text
The problem with the Euro
Representing integers
Representing floating point
Representing time
Arrays and lists
Associative arrays
Records
Chapter 5: Variables and Operators
Variables and constants
Objects
Life of a variable – scope
An alternative to scope
Choosing variable names
Names you should not use
Operations on data
Choosing variable types
Assignment
Simple operations?
Precedence
Comments
Chapter 6: Flow Control
Flow control
Altering program flow
Simple decision statements
What is truth?
Boolean operators
Logical operators
Using logical operators
Loops
Array processing
Language supplied iterators
Interrupt handling
Exception handling
Chapter 7: Program Structure
Scope revisited
Named blocks
Calling a subroutine
Passing a copy of data
Passing a reference to data
Returning results
Entry points
Modules and Libraries
Asynchronous subroutines – Threads
Chapter 8: Input and Output
What is a file?
File systems
Exchangeable file systems
I/O Libraries and Layers
Opening a file
Opening a file – checks
Opening a file – modes
Sequential access
Random access
Buffering
Concurrency issues
Locking strategies
Chapter 9: Building Applications
Compilation
Linking
Loading and running
Process attribute inheritance
Portability
Emulators
Interpretation
The third way: Byte-code
Pre-processing
Optimisation
Debuggers
Chapter 10: User Interfaces
User IO
Text terminal IO
Pros and Cons of text terminal interface
Text terminal IO development cycle
Graphical User Interfaces
GUI Examples
Pros and cons of GUIs
Client-Server Systems
Web application development
Frameworks
Printing
Accessibility
Chapter 11: Coding Style
Virtues of a programmer
Readability and style
Naming conventions
Error handling
Programming for change
The need for speed
Programming for performance
Constants – aren’t
Portability and flexibility
Help!
Chapter 12: Support and Debugging
Why does software have bugs?
Programs break!
Understanding the problem
End-user discussions
Finding a solution
Debugging a compiled program
Other tools
Some bug types
Trace statements
Dealing with 3rd party support
Distributing a patch
So this is a three day course on the 9th of March to the 11th of March. I think my brain might bleed after this one huh!
Right going to head off just now but I will probably write again later.
Thursday, 10 February 2011
Perfume Heaven
So I thought I would randomly introduce you to all my perfume, I am obsessed with Perfume but I am on a strict ban at the moment and will not be buying any for a very long time. Here is a list of my perfumes, they are my happy place, when I am sad I put a perfume on and I enjoy the lovely smell, it always reminds me of happy times somewhere.
Chanel No.5
Anna Sui - Dreams
Lolita Lempicka - L De
Viva La Juicy
Juicy Couture
Tommy Girl
Paul Smith - London
Ghost
Ghost - Anticipation
Hugo Boss - Pure Purple
Britney Spears - Curious
Avril Lavigne - Black Star
Hugo Boss - Women
Versace - Bright Star
Hugo Boss - Deep Red
Alfred Sung - Jewel
Giorgio Beverly Hills - G
Soup and Glory
Rue 21 - Pink Crystal
Rue 21 - Twenty One Black
DKNY - Be Delicious
Marc Jacobs - Daisy
Amor Amor
Noa
Thierry Mugler - Alien
Calvin Klein - Truth
Chanel No.5
Anna Sui - Dreams
Lolita Lempicka - L De
Viva La Juicy
Juicy Couture
Tommy Girl
Paul Smith - London
Ghost
Ghost - Anticipation
Hugo Boss - Pure Purple
Britney Spears - Curious
Avril Lavigne - Black Star
Hugo Boss - Women
Versace - Bright Star
Hugo Boss - Deep Red
Alfred Sung - Jewel
Giorgio Beverly Hills - G
Soup and Glory
Rue 21 - Pink Crystal
Rue 21 - Twenty One Black
DKNY - Be Delicious
Marc Jacobs - Daisy
Amor Amor
Noa
Thierry Mugler - Alien
Calvin Klein - Truth
Linkin Park - Numb(Music Video) [FULL HD]
This has always been one of my favourite songs and when I listen to the words now it is like I was destined to identify with it, I think it is about The Monster and me.
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
?Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
The Cove
Hey folks, I am having a rest day today and I am working which is making me very happy. I know I should be resting but I have so much I would like to do, my brain is going a million miles an hour again so I might take one of my muscle relaxants and see what happens, see if it helps me at least centre on one thing at a time. I have been using the Tens Machine for back and it is actually relieving the pain a lot, I am liking this solution. Thank you to The Man and his Mum for suggesting it.
I am absolutely horrified at a film I just watched 'The Cove' it is about the Japanese fisherman killing dolphin's. Please, please if you get the chance watch it, it is difficult to see and I will admit made me cry (which anyone reading this who knows me, knows that I rarely ever cry). I can't believe that in this day and age something so horrific still goes on, I can't believe that we would stand back and allow this to happen. Please watch the trailer - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KRD8e20fBo
this is really hard to watch - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVvvvaySE6I&feature=related
The official website - http://www.savejapandolphins.org/
As soon as I watched this I went on and signed the petition - http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/724/210/624/
After that I donated some money to the cause - https://secure.acceptiva.com/?cst=59a67b
It is definitely upsetting but I think sometimes it is important to take 2 minutes to realise something, however horrific.
Heavy deep I know but it upset me. xxxx
I am absolutely horrified at a film I just watched 'The Cove' it is about the Japanese fisherman killing dolphin's. Please, please if you get the chance watch it, it is difficult to see and I will admit made me cry (which anyone reading this who knows me, knows that I rarely ever cry). I can't believe that in this day and age something so horrific still goes on, I can't believe that we would stand back and allow this to happen. Please watch the trailer - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KRD8e20fBo
this is really hard to watch - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVvvvaySE6I&feature=related
The official website - http://www.savejapandolphins.org/
As soon as I watched this I went on and signed the petition - http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/724/210/624/
After that I donated some money to the cause - https://secure.acceptiva.com/?cst=59a67b
It is definitely upsetting but I think sometimes it is important to take 2 minutes to realise something, however horrific.
Heavy deep I know but it upset me. xxxx
Wednesday, 9 February 2011
Doctor Day
So today was a Doctor day and where I usually get nervous and the general experience of going anywhere near a doctors surgery makes me feel want to cry, today was different. I went to see my family doctor and he has joined the ranks of medical people I actually like, I must add in here that he reassured me, listened to me and most of all he showed an interest in my blog and may even have a read which I think is amazing. I have feared doctors my whole life, I have hated hospitals my whole life and when I look back on it now I can see the funny side in it all. If there is a God (and the jury is still out on this one) I think he was having a massive giggle to himself when he made me. Throughout the last 10-20 years I have spent a ridiculous amount of time in hospitals and at the doctors surgery and now I know that it is Multiple Sclerosis and all the medicine in the world can't cure me I feel happy about the whole medical malarky.
Something I have learnt recently is it is so unbelievably important to know and trust your doctors. How can anyone care about you if they get to be involved in bits and pieces of your medical history. How can you expect anyone to tell you whats wrong with you after a 10 minute appointment. If you at all suspect that there is something wrong with you, go to a doctor that you like, go to a doctor that will listen to you and work with them (or try) be as descriptive as you can, write notes. It is important if you want someone to help you to remember that they need to know what is wrong with you. So many people say to me 'I looked up on line and I think I have...', I can't imagine how frustrating that would be for a doctor. I would hate someone to phone the support desk and tell me why the applications are not working, simply because it is my job to investigate that and give an educated evidence based answer to the problem, not a guess!
So I went in with a notepad to see the Doctor and try to convey all the things that are currently wrong with me, don't laugh, it didn't take me all day I promise. So here are the things I told him -
As you all know I have opted out of the medical 'disease modifying drugs' that are available, I am not saying that this is the correct thing to do or that the drugs don't work because we know that in some cases they do. The problem I have with these drugs is I don't 'believe', I do not have the undivided faith in the drugs that I think is need to help them work. What I do believe in is my body, I believe that I would not have been faced with this sentence if I could not cope with it. I really do think that I can fight this with will power and determination, I know that when my body can't cope with the pain it makes me vomit, I know that when my body wants me to rest and I try to push it I get heart palpitations, if I eat the wrong type of food I feel sick and often vomit, if I drink alcohol my legs instantly don't work and I get horrendous spine spasms, listening to my body can help me.
I spoke to my Doctor about Bioness to help with my drop foot and he suggested looking at FES - Functional Electronic Stimulation http://www.salisburyfes.com/ I will ask doctor Elrington about this when I see him and find out if there is any way of him referring me to them. I also asked the doctor if I could try muscle relaxants to help me relax on my 'Rest Days' because I find it really difficult. I would like to try not to take pain killers if I can help it and save them for a rainy day (so to speak) that I hope never comes. I will keep you post about the effects they have, fingers crossed they work.
Bye for now folks, I will be back later because I am travelling back to London on the Bus so I will probably write then.
Loves xxx
Something I have learnt recently is it is so unbelievably important to know and trust your doctors. How can anyone care about you if they get to be involved in bits and pieces of your medical history. How can you expect anyone to tell you whats wrong with you after a 10 minute appointment. If you at all suspect that there is something wrong with you, go to a doctor that you like, go to a doctor that will listen to you and work with them (or try) be as descriptive as you can, write notes. It is important if you want someone to help you to remember that they need to know what is wrong with you. So many people say to me 'I looked up on line and I think I have...', I can't imagine how frustrating that would be for a doctor. I would hate someone to phone the support desk and tell me why the applications are not working, simply because it is my job to investigate that and give an educated evidence based answer to the problem, not a guess!
So I went in with a notepad to see the Doctor and try to convey all the things that are currently wrong with me, don't laugh, it didn't take me all day I promise. So here are the things I told him -
- Drop Foot
- Bad Pain in my Spine - Spasms
- Fatigue
- Leg Spasms - when walking, sitting, lying, excerising
- Heavy Head - intense neck pain
- Kidney Pain
- Constant pressure throughout my body as if my Skeleton is too big for my body
- Severe pain in my skull front/top
- Stabbing pain through the bottom of my chin up behind my right eye
- Electric shocks
As you all know I have opted out of the medical 'disease modifying drugs' that are available, I am not saying that this is the correct thing to do or that the drugs don't work because we know that in some cases they do. The problem I have with these drugs is I don't 'believe', I do not have the undivided faith in the drugs that I think is need to help them work. What I do believe in is my body, I believe that I would not have been faced with this sentence if I could not cope with it. I really do think that I can fight this with will power and determination, I know that when my body can't cope with the pain it makes me vomit, I know that when my body wants me to rest and I try to push it I get heart palpitations, if I eat the wrong type of food I feel sick and often vomit, if I drink alcohol my legs instantly don't work and I get horrendous spine spasms, listening to my body can help me.
I spoke to my Doctor about Bioness to help with my drop foot and he suggested looking at FES - Functional Electronic Stimulation http://www.salisburyfes.com/ I will ask doctor Elrington about this when I see him and find out if there is any way of him referring me to them. I also asked the doctor if I could try muscle relaxants to help me relax on my 'Rest Days' because I find it really difficult. I would like to try not to take pain killers if I can help it and save them for a rainy day (so to speak) that I hope never comes. I will keep you post about the effects they have, fingers crossed they work.
Bye for now folks, I will be back later because I am travelling back to London on the Bus so I will probably write then.
Loves xxx
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
On my way...
I am on the coach down to see Mum and Dad and go off to the doctors tomorrow, it is a nice bus ride and the funny think is our driver looks about 12 years old and even came on the speakers and said ‘Good Afternoon folks, now I know I only look like I am 12 years old but I promise you I have a license’ which made me laugh. The weird think is when we were leaving the bus station I looked out the window and saw Coach 444, the reason that this is weird is my eldest brother has seen the number everywhere lately. My Brother has woken up lots a 4:44, he had an invoice that was £444 at work, the journey to see me takes 4 hours 44 minutes, they are loads more that he has seen but after spending the weekend with him it is strange that I look out the window to 444.
I thought while I was on a bus for 2 hours I would try and explain what has been going on with me recently. I have had a real tough patch which has really got me down lately because I can’t plan to do anything because I have no idea how I will be feeling. It has made me think a lot about my life and how this illness has affected me over the years. I am terrified about being a lazy person, I don’t want to be someone who passes up opportunities in life because ‘I couldn’t be bothered’, I want to be someone who grabs all the opportunities I possibly can and enjoy every second of my life. I think this illness has made me shy away from something through life, even before I knew what it was. I posted a clip about a new thing that helps with drop foot and I really want to investigate getting one because if I could remove the stress of my legs it would improve my life so much I can’t begin to tell you.
I think that after years of thinking I was doing this to myself, that I was attention seeking, that i was mentally ill it is so difficult to loose those thoughts when I can not do things. I want to make sure that I am not someone who makes excuses all the time for not doing things because if I don’t want to do something I want to be mentally strong enough to say no and explain it is because I don’t want to it (politely). I want to cherish everything that I can do and admit to both the things I don’t want to do and the things I can not do. I think it is important to keep these things strictly separate because I think it would be easy to loose myself in excuses and use this illness to get out of things. I think that if you use an illness once as an excuse then it is so easy to do it for everything in life and then one day wake up and realise you don’t know what is real and what is an excuse. The reason I know this is I have seen people do it in the past and in the end they live and breathe an imaginary illness because they have fibbed so much about it. I want to know that when I don’t do things it is for the right reasons.
I bet you all think I am mental and over analysing everything and I guess you could be right but I find it difficult to put things in the right place in my head. I want to be someone that people can really respect and know that I deserve it. I think this has all come about because people have been so kind, they have used words such as ‘brave’, ‘remarkable’,‘strong’ and ‘amazing’ along with many more and I am not sure if they are correct. I mean I am very flakey all the time, I feel on the edge of tears a lot and a lot bit lost so I am not sure I can honestly accept these kind words yet but one day I would really like to. I think if I can spend the next few weeks trying to identify the things that I can not do, the things that I shouldn’t do, the things that I must not do with thing things that I don’t want to do, the things that I don’t like and the things that I simply can not be bothered with (come on we all have things like that) I will be mentally in a better place.
Something else that I wanted to tell you about is The Man, now I know I talk about him all the time but folks, he is a massive part of my life. I think we are both getting to the point that we would like a place of our own. I love my house at the moment, I love my house mates, I love my room and location (of the house not just my room), but after a 2 year love affair with the house and the people living there I think it is time to move on and spread my wings. I don’t think I will move for another 6 months to a year but it is definitely on the cards I think. I have never met anyone like The Man and I think those of you who know him would agree he is amazing and for those of you who don’t know him, take it from me he is amazing. He still has stuff to sort out from before we met but I guess we all have a past, doesn’t mean we can’t have an amazing future a head of us. He is meeting up with his sister tonight which will be nice, I am sorry that I will be missing her but then I am sure I will see her soon. Every time I think of my life and how it has changed I keep thinking what this whole experience would have been like without him helping me, loving me through it and I think it would have been unbearable.
There is a young couple sitting in front of me on this bus and they are sucking on each others faces with loud intrusive sound effects, my goodness I bet their parents would be proud. I think I am one slerp away from pointing out the toilets for them. YUK! Times like these make me grateful that I have headphones and loud music. They are about 15 years old and they are making me feel incredibly old, I might just knock their heads together mid kiss, if I do it hard enough I might manage to knock them both out and not get caught. How dare these little people make me feel old, I am only 28 (for 2 days and one month so shhh!), that is not old, but I don’t think I have ever ever made those types of sound effects in a public place. Rant over!
I thought while I was on a bus for 2 hours I would try and explain what has been going on with me recently. I have had a real tough patch which has really got me down lately because I can’t plan to do anything because I have no idea how I will be feeling. It has made me think a lot about my life and how this illness has affected me over the years. I am terrified about being a lazy person, I don’t want to be someone who passes up opportunities in life because ‘I couldn’t be bothered’, I want to be someone who grabs all the opportunities I possibly can and enjoy every second of my life. I think this illness has made me shy away from something through life, even before I knew what it was. I posted a clip about a new thing that helps with drop foot and I really want to investigate getting one because if I could remove the stress of my legs it would improve my life so much I can’t begin to tell you.
I think that after years of thinking I was doing this to myself, that I was attention seeking, that i was mentally ill it is so difficult to loose those thoughts when I can not do things. I want to make sure that I am not someone who makes excuses all the time for not doing things because if I don’t want to do something I want to be mentally strong enough to say no and explain it is because I don’t want to it (politely). I want to cherish everything that I can do and admit to both the things I don’t want to do and the things I can not do. I think it is important to keep these things strictly separate because I think it would be easy to loose myself in excuses and use this illness to get out of things. I think that if you use an illness once as an excuse then it is so easy to do it for everything in life and then one day wake up and realise you don’t know what is real and what is an excuse. The reason I know this is I have seen people do it in the past and in the end they live and breathe an imaginary illness because they have fibbed so much about it. I want to know that when I don’t do things it is for the right reasons.
I bet you all think I am mental and over analysing everything and I guess you could be right but I find it difficult to put things in the right place in my head. I want to be someone that people can really respect and know that I deserve it. I think this has all come about because people have been so kind, they have used words such as ‘brave’, ‘remarkable’,‘strong’ and ‘amazing’ along with many more and I am not sure if they are correct. I mean I am very flakey all the time, I feel on the edge of tears a lot and a lot bit lost so I am not sure I can honestly accept these kind words yet but one day I would really like to. I think if I can spend the next few weeks trying to identify the things that I can not do, the things that I shouldn’t do, the things that I must not do with thing things that I don’t want to do, the things that I don’t like and the things that I simply can not be bothered with (come on we all have things like that) I will be mentally in a better place.
Something else that I wanted to tell you about is The Man, now I know I talk about him all the time but folks, he is a massive part of my life. I think we are both getting to the point that we would like a place of our own. I love my house at the moment, I love my house mates, I love my room and location (of the house not just my room), but after a 2 year love affair with the house and the people living there I think it is time to move on and spread my wings. I don’t think I will move for another 6 months to a year but it is definitely on the cards I think. I have never met anyone like The Man and I think those of you who know him would agree he is amazing and for those of you who don’t know him, take it from me he is amazing. He still has stuff to sort out from before we met but I guess we all have a past, doesn’t mean we can’t have an amazing future a head of us. He is meeting up with his sister tonight which will be nice, I am sorry that I will be missing her but then I am sure I will see her soon. Every time I think of my life and how it has changed I keep thinking what this whole experience would have been like without him helping me, loving me through it and I think it would have been unbearable.
There is a young couple sitting in front of me on this bus and they are sucking on each others faces with loud intrusive sound effects, my goodness I bet their parents would be proud. I think I am one slerp away from pointing out the toilets for them. YUK! Times like these make me grateful that I have headphones and loud music. They are about 15 years old and they are making me feel incredibly old, I might just knock their heads together mid kiss, if I do it hard enough I might manage to knock them both out and not get caught. How dare these little people make me feel old, I am only 28 (for 2 days and one month so shhh!), that is not old, but I don’t think I have ever ever made those types of sound effects in a public place. Rant over!
Monday, 7 February 2011
Bioness
Wow, today has been a little odd...up and down really because I was awake all night I think my body clock is all squinty. I am not going to write a lot today I'll just tell you about my day because my brain is slightly fried, sorry folks. I didn't go for breakfasted with Bro and his wife this morning which made me sad because they travelled back to Scotland this morning and I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye. I got back to the house about 7.10 and went to bed with every intention of getting up and going to see them but when I woke up my heart was pounding, I think my body was in protest of what I was about to put it through. I decided that staying in bed was the best option, resting is the name of the game I hear.
When I woke up I pottered about all afternoon and then headed down to see The Man's Mum, her best friend and his Auntie. I got lost and got a little stressed because my walking was a little bad, but The Man came and found me so everything was good in the end. It was lovely to see everyone, The Man's mum heads back to Spain where she lives on Wednesday (I am pretty sure) so it is the last time we will see her until we go out to Spain which I have to tell you about I am very very excited about.
So there is something that can help me with my walking, here is a video about it -
http://www.bioness.com/Videos/Videos_for_NESS_L300/Today_Show_Video.php This is what I am going to aim for I think. I happy to know that there is something that might help me, something to help me not be a spectator of life anymore.
Anyway I will leave that little nugget of happiness with you tonight xxxx
Love to you all xxxx
When I woke up I pottered about all afternoon and then headed down to see The Man's Mum, her best friend and his Auntie. I got lost and got a little stressed because my walking was a little bad, but The Man came and found me so everything was good in the end. It was lovely to see everyone, The Man's mum heads back to Spain where she lives on Wednesday (I am pretty sure) so it is the last time we will see her until we go out to Spain which I have to tell you about I am very very excited about.
So there is something that can help me with my walking, here is a video about it -
http://www.bioness.com/Videos/Videos_for_NESS_L300/Today_Show_Video.php This is what I am going to aim for I think. I happy to know that there is something that might help me, something to help me not be a spectator of life anymore.
Anyway I will leave that little nugget of happiness with you tonight xxxx
Love to you all xxxx
Still awake
It is 6.20 and I am still at work, it will take me 45 minutes to get home and I need to be out to have breakfast at 9.00 so that leaves me about 45 minutes sleep, I am thinking that I am going to be a very very tired girl today. Right I am going to go hassle someone until they let me go home...wish me luck!
Another amazing weekend
This weekend has been amazing, and not only because my Eldest Bro and his Beautiful wife have been here spoiling me rotten but because I love every second I get to spend with them. I am currently working on an over night release tonight from 23.00 to about 06.00, long night but not as bad as you might think it would be. I should maybe explain to you all what I mean by a release, in my world a release is when the new version of the software is released into production, this is when customers will see the differences in the software, either in functionalities or performance (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Software_release_life_cycle just if anyone was interested). Doing a release involves a lot of sitting around and not doing a lot, I actually start work at about 4am and work for about 30-40minutes and that is it. We have to be in the office incase anything goes wrong and we have to roll back to a previous version of the software.
Anyway, you are probably wondering what I have been up to all weekend, so I shall tell you. On Friday night I had a relaxing night in with The Man, we actually went out for dinner at the Kentish Town Canteen http://www.kentishcanteen.co.uk/ it was lovely, I had Acorn Squash with Mushrooms and Tomato Sauce, it was absolutely amazing, I will definitely be trying to recreate it. I was exhausted so we watched a little telly and had a reasonably early night. I sometimes feel bad that The Man will get bored of having such a restrictive life with me, my limitations are ever apparent, he always tells me that he won't but it must be so hard for him. At the age of 28 I never thought my life would be restricted, makes me want to kick myself for all the time I might have wasted.
Saturday morning I woke up with a need to do something active, I wanted to do something that I would have done before the Monster got me. I decided I would go to a Zumba class http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BILiNvLA-lo&feature=related I thought it would be fun and may make me feel human again, also my house mate said she would come with me. So we walked along to the gym which isn't far at all only to find out that the class was cancelled this week, so instead we did a small work out in the gym. I am going to keep a log of the excerise I plan to do and how it affects me. I did this when I was ill before and it definitely helped in my recovery.
Later we went round and met my Bro and his wife in their hotel. It is always lovely to see them, they come down quite regularly to see us in London and whenever they are here the spoil me rotten. They are staying in the Penthouse Suite which overlooks Camden, their room has the most amazing view and is a lovely room in a really nice hotel. We had reservations in Sarastro http://www.sarastrorestaurant.com/indexfr.html a lovely restaurant which reminded me very much of Baron Munchhausen's Adventures. We had a lovely meal there, I was shocked when I went to the toilet because they had pornographic drawings all over the walls and doors. Now I am not prudish but I would have to comment that the toilet is not a sexy place in my opinion, I can't say that it particularly excites me when I go off for a wee. Anyway I would recommend it all the same and we had a lovely time there.
After the restaurant we searched for somewhere quiet to have a drink but failed so ended up going back to their hotel for a drink there. I have to say that it is not often that I am out on a Saturday night and I think it has reminded me why...I don't particularly like loud busy pubs and drunk people. I think having MS has made me grow up and see that being in that environment is just not for me anymore. I think because I can't drink now it makes bars/pubs and clubs even less appealing, not that I won't enter another one but I think I will be avoiding the hecticness of a Saturday night. At about 12am we took ourselves home to bed, I was happy to snuggle up and go to sleep.
Sunday morning we headed over to the hotel to have a super dooper breakfast, it was amazing. It is nice to meet them at the hotel and get something to eat there because it really does set you up well for the day. We had breaky and headed back to out house to watch some DVD's that they had made of our holiday in America for Thanksgiving. Every time my Brother and his wife go aways somewhere they make these wonderful DVD's with music, video's and photo's. I think it is amazing what they do because we all take pictures of what happens in our lives but when do we ever look at them? This opens up a whole new way of remembering the good time, and makes it easy and accessible to share your fond memories with friends and family.
Bro and his wife had tickets to see the Chelsea V's Liverpool match at Stamford Bridge, it is the first game that Chelsea have played since buying Torres from Liverpool and the first game that he has played for Chelsea. Bro is a Chelsea fan (so is his gorgeous wife) so they love coming down to see the football. Unfortunately Chelsea lost today 1-0 but they said that it was a good game and a great day so that is good. We met them in Piccadilly Circus and headed out for another amazing meal in Inamo http://www.inamo-restaurant.com/ which is an experience along with a great meal. The tables are interactive and it is so much fun playing with them. After the meal I got a taxi to work and here I am.
I should maybe tell you about how I have felt over the past few days...or maybe you don't want to hear. Tough, sorry, I have not felt my worst but definitely have felt better. Lately I have noticed my walking is really affected and I find it tough getting about, also the pain in my spine and organs is horrendous, a lot of the time I don't want to complain all the time, but then I don't want to lie to people all he time. It is hard to find a happy balance, it is hard to know when I should say I don't feel well and when I should just smile and get on with it. How honest do people want you to be? How easily will people get tired of hearing me say I don't feel good? How much do I hold everyone else I am with back? How acceptable is it for me to do this? These are questions that swim around my head all the time, how do I find out the answers?
Night night for now xxxx
Loves
Jess xxxx
Saturday, 5 February 2011
Truffles Food-Love
So I am having a wireless nightmare at the moment, Annie (my MacBook Pro) is not playing at all. She will not connect to the wireless at all, this morning I was so unbelievably stressed about it because she is new (well a year old, but new to me) and I don’t want to have to pay out more for her to be fixed. I sat down by the router this morning and she would not connect at all, we tested the WiFi on 2 iphones, 1 ipad, 1 other MacBook Pro and a Netbook and it worked fine but she would not work until I walked up to the 3rd floor, turned her on and like magic she work and had great reception all day. Thinking about it the battery was running low this morning and when I came upstairs I plugged her in and tonight her battery is low and she won’t connect, maybe there is something in that, not that there should be. The Man fixed it!
This unfortunately is not going to be a long post because I am tired and I need to get some sleep, my Bro and his beautiful wife are coming to see us tomorrow which will be amazing, they are here until Monday morning. On Sunday night I am on the over night release so that will (excuse the language) kick the shit out of me. I like being a part of the team and taking my turn on doing the release but it hurts and it hurts badly. On Monday we are seeing The Man’s Aunty, Mum and his Mum’s best friend (the one we stayed with up in Coventry). So I have a hectic few days coming up and need my beauty sleep, so that I can be happy and smiley over the weekend.
Today I was exhausted, I honestly can’t believe how little stamina I have at the moment, I am in constant pain and it is so exhausting. I can’t wait for this pain to ease off, it will be lovely to not be so uncomfortable all the time, but for now I am just counting all the good things in my life. Everything moves forward so it stands to reason that this illness will as well and I will soon be better. That is what I am hoping for anyway!
I have added a link to another Blog food-love, please check it out because it is a bloke that The Man works with who has set himself a challenge to use 52 new ingredients every week for a year. He loves to cook and gave The Man some truffles as a present which was lovely of him. Have a wee look because it is really interesting and also we love anyone else who talks about something other than feeling bad, he he he!
Night night folks
Loves
Jess xxxxx
This unfortunately is not going to be a long post because I am tired and I need to get some sleep, my Bro and his beautiful wife are coming to see us tomorrow which will be amazing, they are here until Monday morning. On Sunday night I am on the over night release so that will (excuse the language) kick the shit out of me. I like being a part of the team and taking my turn on doing the release but it hurts and it hurts badly. On Monday we are seeing The Man’s Aunty, Mum and his Mum’s best friend (the one we stayed with up in Coventry). So I have a hectic few days coming up and need my beauty sleep, so that I can be happy and smiley over the weekend.
Today I was exhausted, I honestly can’t believe how little stamina I have at the moment, I am in constant pain and it is so exhausting. I can’t wait for this pain to ease off, it will be lovely to not be so uncomfortable all the time, but for now I am just counting all the good things in my life. Everything moves forward so it stands to reason that this illness will as well and I will soon be better. That is what I am hoping for anyway!
I have added a link to another Blog food-love, please check it out because it is a bloke that The Man works with who has set himself a challenge to use 52 new ingredients every week for a year. He loves to cook and gave The Man some truffles as a present which was lovely of him. Have a wee look because it is really interesting and also we love anyone else who talks about something other than feeling bad, he he he!
Night night folks
Loves
Jess xxxxx
Friday, 4 February 2011
Sleep tight, hope the bed bugs don't bite
As you can probably tell I have not really been writing to you all and for this I apologise, I am not really feeling it at the moment, not the Blog, just life in general really, I am exhausted and it has been a tough few weeks, a roller coaster of a million emotions and great experiences. It is hard to stay angry with the world when I am constantly surrounded by amazing people, my Family, The Man, The Man's family, my great friends, my awesome housemates, my lovely colleagues and others that seem to drift into my life. I know I don't sound too grateful most of the time but believe me that I really am, I am one of the luckiest people I know in a million and one ways.
I promise to write more and less mizzy, thank you for your support over this hiccup and tomorrow will be the start of a new phase.
Night night xxxxxxx 'Sleep tight, hope the bed bugs don't bite' - anyone else think that is a horrible saying?
I promise to write more and less mizzy, thank you for your support over this hiccup and tomorrow will be the start of a new phase.
Night night xxxxxxx 'Sleep tight, hope the bed bugs don't bite' - anyone else think that is a horrible saying?
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Sit it out or Dance
My Brother said this song always reminds him of me, and that he hopes that I dance. The ocean took him to different shores and everyday I miss him and love him so I thought I would share this song with you all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL0uRP-A7C0
I hope I dance to Bruv, I really do xxxx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL0uRP-A7C0
I hope I dance to Bruv, I really do xxxx
Darwin Awards
Sent to me to make me giggle...and it worked
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from"
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
**Remember....They walk among us, they can reproduce, and they vote!!!
1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from"
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
**Remember....They walk among us, they can reproduce, and they vote!!!
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
Bad shoem (sorry folks) - Is this the life that I allowed
Its hard to keep a smiling face
When deep inside I feel misplaced
Who is this girl that I once knew
Is she real and is she true
I look at people, in the eye
And everyday I want to cry
Where have I gone, who am I now
Is this the life that I allowed
Feeling trapped within my skin
One day I'd like to know my sin
Was it so bad I needed hurt
Is there some faith I could convert
I am so tired and want to sleep
But some of me I want to keep
The Monster has nearly won
Sometimes I wish I owned a gun
The constant pain and feel bad
You know it makes me really sad
I know that once my name was Jess
But every day she's less and less
Trying to hold on to me
From the Monster I can not flee
I'm hiding here inside this body
More and more I'm feeling shoddy
I wish that someone would save me
Leave Monster to have his spree
Close my eyes and count to ten
Please someone tell me when'o when!
When deep inside I feel misplaced
Who is this girl that I once knew
Is she real and is she true
I look at people, in the eye
And everyday I want to cry
Where have I gone, who am I now
Is this the life that I allowed
Feeling trapped within my skin
One day I'd like to know my sin
Was it so bad I needed hurt
Is there some faith I could convert
I am so tired and want to sleep
But some of me I want to keep
The Monster has nearly won
Sometimes I wish I owned a gun
The constant pain and feel bad
You know it makes me really sad
I know that once my name was Jess
But every day she's less and less
Trying to hold on to me
From the Monster I can not flee
I'm hiding here inside this body
More and more I'm feeling shoddy
I wish that someone would save me
Leave Monster to have his spree
Close my eyes and count to ten
Please someone tell me when'o when!
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Tinternet!
I am sitting here thinking about the world and it is strange that computer dominate just about everything we do now, I can't actually think of life without my computer (for one I wouldn't have a job). Now you might jump straight to assumption that I grew up with mobile phones and computers and there I will correct you, I didn't. My Dad had a computer in the house but I never really used it because it we had dial up Internet and it was far too slow to use it really. I didn't have a mobile phone until I was 18 years old and I didn't really use a computer until I was 21. Suddenly at the age of 26 I hit the computer world at a hundred miles an hour and now I don't think I would live without my computer ( dramatic license folks, I am a writer he he he!). I would be totally lost without the Internet nowadays, I can tell that because I am like a junky whenever I have been off line for a few hours.
I thought you might all like to see this website - http://www.police.uk it shows you any crime that has occurred on your street
I am totally lost without the Internet, it holds all the secrets of the world, I love it.
I thought you might all like to see this website - http://www.police.uk it shows you any crime that has occurred on your street
I am totally lost without the Internet, it holds all the secrets of the world, I love it.
What the Monster does
I am feeling a little better today, when I say better I mean I don't feel like I want to vomit all the time because of the discomfort an pain. I think that there is a fine line between health and happiness, like love and hate, if you have health then you should definitely have happiness because that is over half the battle. If your body is the problem then it stands to reason that everything else around it is difficult to put in place. I am happy about 90% of the time, I am definitely happy, I have so many things in my life to be grateful for, but every now and then I get sad about the constant battle I have with my body.
I am having a little bit of a moment about everything at the moment as I am sure that you can all tell. I am not sure that I should always tell you about how bad I feel and then on the other hand I think, well folks thats what the blog is for, confusing to find a happy balance. I thought I would go through the current problems that good old Monster is giving me at the moment -
Loves
Jess xxx
P.S I will be back later.
I am having a little bit of a moment about everything at the moment as I am sure that you can all tell. I am not sure that I should always tell you about how bad I feel and then on the other hand I think, well folks thats what the blog is for, confusing to find a happy balance. I thought I would go through the current problems that good old Monster is giving me at the moment -
- Horrific spin pain, spasms up and down my neck causing me to feel sick
- Leg spasms causing painful cramps
- Neck Pain where my head feels really heavy and makes me feel sick
- Intense kidney pain
- Problems going for a wee, unable to wee (until I sleep and I am up all night)
- Joint discomfort, my skeleton feeling as if it is too big for my skin causing painful pressure
- Severe pain in my skull (Doc says they are migraines)
- Pain behind my right eye and vision loss
- Pain causes me to be a little grumpy and moody (things I don't like being)
- Stabbing pain up through under my chin right up behind my right eye.
- Last but not least Fatigue...unbelievable, incurable fatigue.
Loves
Jess xxx
P.S I will be back later.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)