2 Many Djs - 9 to 5

This reminds me of my hairdressing days, makes me smile as I remember us dancing about on a Saturday night getting ready to go out singing this at the top of our lungs.

Better and Better

I thought I would come back and tell you a little about what is going on with me at the moment.  I am signed of for another week which gives me time to move into our new flat.  I have made such an amazing recovery from this past relapse that even I have shocked myself, I am amazed at how well I am compared to the past 6 months.  I thought I would tell you what I am dealing with at the moment, just so you can see the improvement  -

• Drop foot - my left foot is still bad but unfortunately this is not something that I can change, I do stretches and I am hoping to possibly be referred to Salisbury to get a FES - http://www.salisburyfes.com/index.htm
• Leg Spasms - I still get leg spasms, mostly in my left leg but sometimes in my right leg. 
• Spine Spasms - This causing me a lot of pain but it is getting easier to handle.
• Toilet - I know this is everyones favourite subject but I have named my toilet time 'Infura-wee' because they are infuriating.  
• When I stand too long I end up bent over and find walking incredibly tough
• I waken through the night needing the toilet.
• Smashing pain in my head happens about 3 times a week and lasts for about 2 hours each time.
• I have numb hands and feet all the time.
• I have pain behind my eyes quite a lot, at least once a day lasting between 1 hour - all day.
• Electric shocks, when I get tired and fatigue kicks in I get shocks where my insides feel as if they smash together.  
• Fatigue - happens will no real warning but isn't happening as much as before.  

Now that I have written it all out it sounds so much worst than I think it is, I can't say it is pleasant but it is so much better than it was before and I am much happier.  I can deal with most of these things, it is hard when something else happens like the hand and arm pain I have been getting but these set of symptoms are manageable on there own.

Right I am off to cuddle up with my Prince Charming now but I will be back tomorrow.

Royal Wedding

Today is the day of the 'Big Wedding' where Britain welcomes a new Princess into the Royal Family.  It has been 30 years since our country had a new Princess.  I have to say that she looked absolutely stunning in her dress, I think today has been every little girls dream, the making of a real Princess from an ordinary girl.  

We have just watched the entire wedding on BBC and are just waiting for the to leave Westminster Abbey and head to Buckingham Palace for the famous kiss.  To be honest I was never really a Royalist but after researching how much they actually do for the country and also the whole romance side of it all, I am no full in favour of them, I wish them all the happiness in the world.

They believe that about 2 billion people has watched this wedding, all eyes on 2 people the same age as me, it is amazing.  I actually think they are amazing because I would not cope well with it at all and for all the tea in China I would not like to swap places with them.  I think they are phenomenal that they put on such an amazing show for the whole world to see.  As you can probably tell I am a little taken a back by all of this, today it makes me proud to be British.

I will stop going on now, promise.

Hypno, Chiro, feeling good

Just to let you know Hypnotherapy was brilliant today and I am confident I am finally going to have some coping tools for this anxiety I have been experience.  Also saw Jackie the Chiropractor as well and it was amazing, she did acupuncture on my hands and feet, some in my shoulders, auricular therapy and some soft tissue massage.  Today has been a successful day.  I also managed to buy a lady shave which is going to save my poor wee legs from the scary razor, I would not advise trying to shave your legs when you have poor balance and legs that spasm shaving is a little like Russian Roulette.

I am happy to say that The Man is back with me and I am very happy.  We have been living apart now for 7 weeks and now I am going home with him and we are starting our new life in our new flat.  I feel like life is finally working with me and that my life isn't such a constant fight, I feel like I am getting some of my life back finally.  All things are good at the moment, I still live constantly with pain and discomfort but I am stronger than ever and ready for whatever the future holds.

I am however tired again tonight so going to shove off and go to bed.

Loves all

Jess xxxx

'I did it right!'

Every day in every way I get better and better!  Thats right folks, I am getting better every day, I feel stronger every day and unlike the last time we did this I actually feel like I am ready to get back to work and my life.  I wanted to get back to my life last time so desperately that I pushed too hard, I went back too soon and ended up right back where I started.  This time in the great words of Chez 'I did it right!' this time I have done it correctly and I think now I am ready to go back to London, go back to work and get back to my life.  I am an excited girl.

I have doing some admin the past few days, I have set up my broadband and phone line which will be activated on the 12th May.  Over the period between the 4th and 12th I might not be able to write as much as I would like but I will be able to do short post on my phone which I promise to do.  Unfortunately there is little I can do about this but I will do my best to update you when I can.  

I am absolutely exhausted tonight so I am going to sign off just now but I will be back tomorrow, I have a Chiro appointment and a Hypnotherapy appointment, so I will let you know how that goes.

Loves always 

Jess xxxx

Morphed into a Girl

Today has been quite a good day and I have done a lot of admin work.  I have been emailing people from shift.ms, trying to sort out another skydive and also trying to drum up some interest in doing the Great North Run.  Tomorrow I will be paying The Man and I's entrance fee and then we will be full on committed, I am terrified.  I am going to have to teach myself to walk 13 miles, that is more than I think I have ever walked in one go.  That is also about 11 miles more than I can currently walk and I get into difficulty walking 2 miles at the moment.  I know that I can do it though, I know that I am going to do it and I know that you will all embark on this adventure with me.

My Eldest Brother and his Gorgeous Wife gave The Man and I some money as a flat warming present and we have so far bought a lovely tea set with it, it is Bleu De Roi - 

This is one of the coffee cups but there are some lovely dainty tea cups as well and cake plates.  I am very excited about it, it is like a start tea set and when I find the perfect one we have some cash to buy it. 

I have turned all girly over this new flat and I have been dreaming of baking, cooking The Man dinner and watching rubbish on the telly.  I can't believe it, not only did I let a Man into my life but somewhere along the way I morphed into a GIRL, who would have thought huh!

Anyway I am not wearing my glasses and it is getting harder and harder to see this screen so I will have to say good night for now.

loves always 

Jess xxxx

Strange but positive

I had to tell you this, I just sliced my thumb open on a bendy metal ring binders and I felt it.  This is HUGE because I actually felt it, this means that some of the sensation has come back to my hands, and it is my left hand which has been dead now for over 2 years.  The pain I have in my hands and arms at the moment is awful but if I am going to get  some feeling back I will learn to live with it.  Yep Yep Yep!

Bad Hands

So the last few days have been a little tragic, my hands have been badly effected and the pain has been at times unbearable.  Although I have not been woken up through the night continuously with my bladder I have been woken up with the pain coursing through my hands.  The pain is like an intense ache that starts in between my knuckles and moves up through my hands and up through my arms.  Pain also congregates in all my finger tips, which is really painful and is what wakens me and then the pain in my hands and arms keeps me awake.  It is starting to grate on me because I am losing sleep and nothing seems to ease the pain.  Actually I am even more annoyed that I have started a new tablet that is meant to ease neurological pain and it hasn't done anything yet.  Grrrr!

I have had a lovely few days with The Man, we haven't been able to do anything too spectacular but I have enjoyed being in his company all the same.  We did complete Lent, 46 days without chocolate or anything that is remotely linked to chocolate.  I am very proud of us both for completing it, and the odd thing was when it ended yesterday we didn't fall over ourselves trying to get to the chocolate.  We both got a Lindt Chocolate Bunny from The Mans Dad (Thank you again), 2 Easter Eggs from my Mum and Dad, a variety of little eggs from my Aunty and Uncle and The Man bought me a packet of Mini Eggs.  As you can see we have plenty of Chocolate to choose from but we haven't eaten any of it yet which if you had asked me 46 days ago I would have laughed at the idea of having that much chocolate and not attempting to drown in it.  Now my challenge is going to be to see how long it lasts.

I have to tell you as well that today I finished 'Beautiful' by Katie Piper and it is absolutely amazing.  I honestly think she is one of the most amazing people I have ever heard about.  I think anyone who has MS or any other disease that causing them problems should read her story and learn from her determination and bravery.  One thing I have found since getting sick has been my problem with Anxiety and I think her book as helped me rationalise my fears and problems, I think that anyone and everyone could benefit from reading about what she has been through and what she has overcome, it is a true testament of human resilience.

I am not sure what we are doing today so I will go now and figure that much out.  Loves to all

Jess xxxx

In the Past

I thought getting my pictures from my phone to my computer would be easier than it is, little frustrated with this malarky so thought I would write to you guys instead.  I managed to get up a ladder yesterday onto my parents boat which might not sound like a lot but because my balance is a problem, ladders are not my favourite activity I must admit.  After conquering that I decided that today I would sort out my memory box in the loft.  I read a good quote the other day that got me thinking

The only reason people hold on to memories so tight is because memories are the only things that don't change when everything else does

I don't want to hold onto the memories that I have, from a past that hurt me.  I can acknowledge the lessons that I learnt from those times but I do not have to carry them through life with me.  For the first time in my life I have a Man that looks after me, loves me and encourages me to be better, I want to move forward in life and look to the future, instead of dragging around the past.  I have always kept diaries and although I will never throw these away I have letters from previous romances and photo's which must go.  I have been up in the loft airing out my life, out with the old and in with the new.

I have found it therapeutic going through things and throwing things out.  I don't want to totally 

erase people from my life but I think it is time to move on without them.  One thing that I did throw away today was the photo's from my house fire, the blackness still haunts me and everyday I miss my puppy dogs that lost their lives that November day in 2002.  I threw away photos that reminded me of bad and sad time.  If I ever wanted to return to any of these places I have them documented.  

I am just about to take The Man up there to introduce him to my famous Memory Box and all it's joys.  I have birthday cards from my 9th Birthday which means I have kept them for 20 years, that is impressive isn't it.  I have letters from throughout the years, diaries and loads of random things.  It is lovely to see how much love and support you have had over the years, remember the good times and spare a moment for not such good times.

Back later 

Loves 

Jess xxxxx

Shut Up

To the Monster and everything he does to me he he he!

Quickly from the Marina

I am on Geoff's boat today, it has just been put back in the water today so we are the first guests. It has been a good challenge for me to get onto thE boat, I have bad balancing skills and also lifting my legs is still a bit dodgy but I did it and I am proud of myself.

The men (Dad, Geoff and The Man) are pulling up the head sail just now so I thought I would write to you quickly. I also wanted to tell you that yesterday we walked about 2 1/2 miles and I didn't have to use my stick, had to use The Man for support but other than that I walked free style. Proud, I am!

I should also tell you that I woke up with ear ache yesterday so The Man did Hopi candles on them and also bought me some drops to put in them which has helped but they still hurt. I think we are going to repeat the process again See if we can fix them. It has meant that I couldn't go in the oxygen tank again which is a little rubbish but I will be get back to it as soon as possible.

Bye for now xxx

Adele - Make You Feel My Love - Lyrics

Stretches

Oxygen Tank day 2.  It was again a good experience to go into the tank and relax under pressure for an hour and then I had the physio which was also good.  The physio gave me some stretches to do and I am going to try and explain them so that anyone else with MS or interested can try them if they would like.

Stretch 1 - Lie out on you back and bend your knee up into your chest, reach under your foot and hold your leg up.  Hold this position to the count of 10 and release.  Repeat this 30 times on each leg.
Stretch 2 - Stand by a wall, step forward with one leg and bend towards the wall keeping the leg behind straight, stretching out the back legs muscles.  Repeat this 30 times on each leg.
Stretch 3 -  Lie flat out and whilst keeping your leg straight lift it up and down 10 times, repeating this 3 times on each leg.
Stretch 4 - Lie on stomach and bend your knee up tight into your bum and hold for 10 then release.  Do 3 repetitions of 10 on both legs
Stretch 5 - Lie out on your stomach on a flat surface (floor if possible) for 20 minutes and this helps to stretch out your hips.

I have to do these everyday and hopefully I will be a lot more flexible.  One of the side effects to MS that I have found is the stiffness and heaviness feeling that comes with it.

I have to say that sometimes meeting other severely disabled people with MS is pretty upsetting because they can look broken that it sends instant panic in me thinking that it could be me one day.  I don't want to end up like some people who have MS, the ones who have given up and made it the focal point in their lives and it is used as a free ticket to be angry, miserable and the excuse for everything.  I know that even without MS these people would probably have been exactly the same but when you know you have a common link to them its a little scary.

Some people on the other hand are remarkable and when I meet them I instantly get a buzz of excitement thinking that I could be as brave as them and also that MS is not something to fear all the time.  I hope to be a positive influence in peoples lives not someone who drags people down with them.  I know you might be laughing in your heads at that last comment because I have been a complete misery lately but I can only apologise for that.

I have to tell you about The Man and how I much I love him.  Today I got down, I had been at the centre and had a good time, chilled out in the oxygen tank, saw the physio, and was on top of the world and then on the way home my spine started to spasm and I started to feel really bad, in so much pain I am not sure I will cope.  I get so angry with myself because it always seems to happen, and I feel like I am ruining everyones day.  The Man came and lay down with me, no fuss or problems and he just lay with me reassuring me, whispering lovely words into my ear until we both fell asleep for a while.  It makes such a difference to have someone so loving and supportive, I am such a lucky girl.  I should tell you as well that The Man has many great qualities as well as being so loving and supportive, he makes me laugh on a daily basis, he tells me interesting things every day, he is amazing.

Today while I was in the tank and physio The Man and my Dad went to the driving range and then to some charity furniture stores.  They are playing a game of golf with my Uncle P on Friday, a warm up to the Harry Boy in August.  The Harry Boy is a golf tournament that my family play every year, it was started by my Grampy and is played by around 20 - 25 family members each year.  The Man will be playing this year fot the first year and I think he will do great, it isn't a serious or really competitive match it is more about getting everyone together at least once a year.  Boys being boys they do like to come first and my big brothers have won trophies the last few years.

I am going to go now and massage The Man's back as he has a chiropractor appointment tomorrow and a sports massage on Saturday.  Night night for now.
Love
Jess xxxxx

PANIC

Today has been a wonderful day, littered with PANIC.  We went over to the MS Therapy Centre in Northend and I did an Oxygen Dive which is good, it is weird you sit in a pressure tank and then took us to 24feet which is nearly double normal atmospheric condition and you breath in nearly 100% pure oxygen.  There were 5 other women in the tank with me and it is good because it makes you sit still for 1 hour and 20 minutes, I just sat still and read my book.  The Man took me to the appointment and kindly waited for me (I told you he was amazing), little did I know that whilst I was in the tank he went down the road and found me the most perfect tea set, the style was originally made in 1913 when Alfred Meakin made 'Bleu de Roi'  that was presented to King George V & Queen Mary on their royal visit.   I will try and add photo's.

I had 5 panic attacks today because of people...it is ridiculous.  I will tell you more soon I promise, I am just so tired I have to lie down.

Loves
Jess xxx

Boo didn't win

I didn't win the tea set that I wanted but I did learn how lethal Ebay is, what a horrible thing to be involved with, I mean, they force you to compete and I HATE losing.  I have now banned myself from owning an Ebay account, I can not be trusted.  Oh well the search continues for the perfect china tea set.  There might be some boys out there feeling sorry for The Man, thinking he will be dragged round lots of shops searching for the perfect tea set and my advice to you is...get a girlfriend that can't walk and this will limit your pain.  He will not be dragged around at all because in actual fact he has to do most of the dragging, I will just be scanning the internet for 'The One' he he he!

Much much better day

Good Day everyone, hope everyone is good today.  I am every excited today because it is Sunday and The Man doesn't have to leave me today, he is on holiday with me all week so I am happy.  Mum has just put some hair dye on me, this red hair malarky is a lot of up keep, not sure I have added any pictures of it lately, I will attempt to do so later on.   I am feeling about a billion times more positive today which is a great relief really.  I know I have been a little down lately but finally things are looking up.  My walking is improving everyday and I am happy to say that the pain has reduced slightly which is great news.  I have also come off all my meds, I was taking Baclofen half a tablet in the morning and half at night and a Diclofenac every morning.  Baclofen is a muscle relaxant that is to help relax me when I am in pain and also to try and manage my spasms and Diclofenac is a anti-inflammatory.  When I was taking them regularly I wasn't sleeping properly and although through the day was more manageable the sleeping problems was impacting everything even more.

I have stopped taking them regularly and now only take them when I really need something to help and although my sleep is still very disturbed it is easier to cope with.  I actually find that the effects of MS are horrible to deal with but you almost get used to it, when you add drugs in they tend to bring with them some other effects that can make it even harder to manage.  I think that the drugs were affecting my moods more than anything else which is something that I definitely don't need or want.  I hate the thought of letting this being all consuming and making me into a horrible, miserable, boring person at least if I go through this drug free and turn into those things I know that I am causing it and nothing else.

I am so happy to have The Man home with me for a whole week, he lightens up my life and makes everything else quiet.  He is getting ready to leave one role and move onto something new which as a contractor happens every 6 months or so.  It is a bit of a nerve racking time for him I am sure as well as us moving into our new flat together.  I am setting out to look after him this week, pamper him, so today I am going to be giving him a back massage and foot massage and doing some Hopi Candles on him.  The Man looks after me so well in about a million different ways, so I fully intend to look after him to the same standard.  It was a strange start to our romance and millions would have warn us not to get together for a billion different reasons but I can hand on heart say that our relationship has enriched my life in every way possible.

Oh I need to tell you all that my amazing Big Brother and his Gorgeous Wife sent The Man and I some money for us (me really) to buy a china tea set, so I am watching one on ebay and it is absolutely stunning, I need you all to keep your fingers crossed for me.  It is absolutely beautiful and would mean I can wake up every day and make The Man and I tea in our china tea set.  Funny things happen in life, who ever thought that I would want a china tea set huh!  Who ever thought Jess would one day grown up to be a girl he he he!

Loves
Jess xxxx

Good day

Got the chiropractor this morning and then The Man is coming this evening which is very exciting, he has a week off with me. Just thought I would tell you that I am happy today and excited. Right I am off to wash and start my day. Oh and I have had my tea out of my china tea cup and that had started this day right. I love being a girl sometimes folks!

Enthusiastic today

I have been to the MS Therapy centre today and I have met some lovely people, I have booked in on Monday and Tuesday to go into an Oxygen Tank and I am seeing a Physio as well.  It has been a really positive day today, I also made the first payment on the flat as well so that takes us one step closer to it being ours which is very exciting.  I have also decided that I must have a china tea set, I love tea out of a real china tea set.  I am putting my new found happiness down to drinking tea from a china tea set.

I thought I would go through the treatments I am currently having to try and get better -

Acupuncture - (Chiropractor) this has been done on my upper and lower back to reduce pain
Blocks - (Chiropractor) these are placed under my hips to align them and improve my gait (walking)
Auricular Therapy -  (Chiropractor) ear tickling, this is for all over health, helps with sickness and balance
Ultrasound -  (Chiropractor) this is to losen my shoulders and relieve some pain and discomfort
Soft Tissue Massage - (Chiropractor) this is to losen my shoulders and relieve some pain and discomfort
Hypnotherapy - This is to help with my anxiety, stress levels and improve general wellness
Reflexology - Given by my lovely Mum because she is a reflexologist and is for over all health
Oxygen Tank - Going to be trying this one on Monday and is for improving walking, pain relief and improves energy levels
Physiotherapy - This is to get some exercises for my drop foot, to strength my leg
Floatation Tank - Given to me by my lovely housemates and this is to relax and for all over wellness.

So I am really enthusiastic today.

The Fray - How To Save A Life + Lyrics

Now this is slightly dramatic but I listen to this song and it reminds me of the day I went to the neurologist and he told me I had to MS.   I felt that day I lost Jess, the Jess I had always been and I have wonder since if I hadn't gone that day if things would be different. My life both ended and began on that day, now I am trying to learn and love the new person I have become.

Jess and The Man's new Flat

There is still some way to go before this is ours, references, exchanging rental agreements, exchanging money etc. but it is all looking good so far.  I am very excited about it all.  Fingers crossed people we will be moving in on the 4th of May.

Balance in life

Morning post so just going to be a quick one, I am going to go for a bath in a minute and try and soak off some of this discomfort.  I haven't been sleeping too well so I haven't been too right through the day to Blog.  Actually that is a little bit of a lie, I have been hiding from everyone really, I have felt down, vulnerable and scared to be honest.  I am getting there now though so I will be back writing everyday hopefully.  I have been going to hypnotherapy to try and stop feeling like such a basket case, I think it is helping but I am not sure I am connecting properly with my therapist.  I think that it is really important that you have a strong connection with any therapist that you choose to use and this one, I am not so convinced.  I will say that she has said a few good things that I will take on board and attempt to work on myself.  I am sure that it is helping, I am feeling a little calmer at the moment which is good, I was getting to the point that even stepping outside was becoming an issue in my head.

The reason I have been feeling so down is the psychological side of this illness, the acceptance that my life has changed forever and the uncertainty of it all.  I have come to find comfort in the thought that maybe the life I had before was the life I wasn't meant to have, maybe this is my true path.  I have been mourning the Jess that can drink, that can stay up all night partying and go to work in the morning, that walks and reads everywhere she goes, that writes lists as long as her arm and completes it all with time to spare, who gets everyone out for drinks after work and the list goes on.  It is hard to admit that she is gone, that the Jess I was is no longer here anymore.  I am not saying I don't like the new Jess because I actually think I like aspects of her much more than I ever liked the old Jess, but that isn't to say I don't miss her.  I miss the confidence I once had, I was fearless, I was strong and I was someone to be counted.  Now I am a shaking, shivering, timid girl who is terrified of groups, has panic attacks in the supermarket.

I am suffering anxiety like never before and it isn't like me so I think that it is something I am finding really hard to deal with.  I am doing better though, hypnotherapy to calm the nerves and just trying to keep doing normal things.  The hypnotherapist said something that I think is very true, that we create our bubble of security and it creates a shield around us that other people will not enter but when we are faced with an illness that causes pain, affects our walking our stance changes and this then affects our shield meaning that people will get closer than we are comfortable with because your shield is down, so you are inviting them that close.  Also my walker (Dylan) has become a barrier to the world so when I take it away I feel more vulnerable, which is very true and something I need to work on.

We talked about imagery, about how I viewed my MS and I explained that I saw it as a little Monster that was like a demanding child, needing lots of attention 24/7.  Here is my Monster -

As you can see he isn't very scary but he is very demanding and that is tiring.  I need to find a happy balance where we can both live.

Right I have to go shower, starting to grime myself out he he he!  

Loves 

Jess xxxx

Good day, new medication

Ok I am back to tell you about my exciting life, and for once I am so positive I am bursting at the seams.  Friday I had a brilliant day with my Daddy, we hung out all day and it was brilliant.  I have to tell you that since my Dad has been off he has really experienced the roller coaster ride that MS is, it is has been brilliant for me to have his company and he is so encouraging.  We walked for over 2 miles which is the longest I have walked in over a year, it was really nice to be out and over achieving.  I had to walk with my walker but that is ok, it is still a necessity at the moment.  We bought some ingredient for making dinner and I cooked Mexican food for The Man and Dad.  It was all round an amazing day.

I have agreed to try a epileptic drug called Gabapentin http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/meds/a694007.html
this could help me manage the neurological pain, which could be a saviour for me.  I have been told that this is not a pain killer it is a anti seizure drug so it shouldn't give me the same problems that pain killers would.  I will give it a go and let you know.

Right I am off for now but will be back tomorrow xxx loves Jess xxxx
                                                                                   

Loads to tell you

I have so much to tell you about, I am going to give you a quick run down and then tonight I am going to boggle your minds with my revelations.  


I walked over 2 miles
I have agreed to try a medication called Gabapentin to help with my neurological pain
My Chiropractor Jackie is amazing and has been doing a variety of treatments on me - 

• Acupuncture
• Soft Tissue Massage
• Ultrasound
• Auriculotherapy

I have been going to Hypnotherapy and that seems to be helping with my nerves

Dad has been off with me because of his ridiculously high Blood pressure.

Grampy had his operation to clear the arteries into his brain and it all went well and he is home recovering

My friend have who is travelling Australia emailed me with a therapists name that I will arrange to see

Found out about MS Therapy centres that I might be able to go to

The Man and I are moving in together, which I am so excited about, I will get to love and look after him

There is a lot more to tell you but I off to see Grampy with The Man so I will have to write later.

Love to all, life is getting better and better.  I am winning against the Monster.

Some lovely words sent to me by AM

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. Ralph Waldo Emerson

For everything you have missed; you gain something else.
And for everything you gain, you loose something else.
It is about your outlook on life - you can either regret or rejoice.

When things go wrong and they sometimes will,
when the road your trudging seems all uphill.
When care is pressing you down a bit,
rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out,
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
You can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far.
So, stick to the fight, when you're hardest hit,
it's when things seems worst that you must not quit.

The Mountain
When you're faced with a personal mountain to climb
The message is simple and clear
Believe in yourself and your own inner strength
Then attempt the climb without fear
Reach for the top of the mountain
Challenge your own everest
Have faith you can conquer the summit
And raise high the flag of success.

I know God won't give me anything I can't handle, I just wish he wouldn't trust me so much. Mother Theresa.

I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. Psalm 16.

The arrow goes forward, only after pulling backwards,
A bullet goes forward, only after pulling the trigger backwards.
Don't be afraid to face your difficulties, they may seem to be pulling you backwards, but they will indeed push you forward.

Some lovely poems from Ag's

Don't search for inspiration when
You have a task to do;
Just start your work and you will see
That it will soon find you.

@----,------'--------------

The promise of our dreams comes true
When patience minds our goal;
Remember that the diamond once
Was just a piece of coal.

@----,------'--------------

Don't be afraid to dream aloud
The things you want to do;
Just saying what is in your heart
Will help your dreams come true.

@----,------'--------------

Do not let fear confine your life
Inside a shell of doubt;
A turtle never moves until
His head is sticking out.

@----,------'--------------

The path to inspiration starts
Upon the trails we've known;
Each stumbling block is not a rock,
But just a stepping stone.


@----,------'--------------

A loss becomes a victory
When you promise not to quit,
But a failure's just a failure
Unless you learn from it.

@----,------'--------------

And one little poem from me...

You are doing really great,
I know you truly are,
You have so many people who love you
Some are near, others are far
So hold onto those people
Because they will never let you fall
If you ever need anybody
You just have to reach out and call.

Weird feeling day

Today I feel bad, not just physically but mentally bruised by all of this.  I know you must all be getting tired of hearing me whinge on about how bad I am feeling, how horrible this all is and how hard I am finding it but I am sorry, at the moment that is all I have to give you.  Today has been a weird day, it is like I know how miserable I am being, I am quiet, trapped in my body and getting more and more annoyed with myself as I go.  I am hoping that this is just another stage in this roll coaster ride.  It is weird to feel like you are battling against every single feeling you have, just to stay sane.  I have to constantly remind myself that this is all nonsense and will be over soon, that although I am sore and down now, tomorrow will be better.  I force myself to go for walks, I get panicky when other people are around, I doubt how anyone could possibly put up with this on a daily basis.

I am finding walking more and more difficult, dragging my leg causing spasticity in my legs and spine.  Actually something nice happened today, Dad and I were out on a walk along the front (took 2 hours to walk 1.6miles).  We were on the way back to the car along the path and a man in a mobility scooter went past and got into trouble with a shut gate, he couldn't get past it, Dad went ahead and opened it for him and they began to chat.  Turned out that the man in the scooter also had MS and had noticed my drop foot, we stood and had a lovely chat with him about all the different things involved with MS.  It was lovely to speak to him because he was of the same mind set as me, that DMD's were not the answer (Disease Modifying Drugs).

I have to say that it amazes me that anyone could Modify a Disease that they don't know a great deal about.  They can't tell me why I have MS, they can't tell me how MS will affect me, they can't tell me how to prevent MS but some how they believe they can Modify MS....hmmmm!  I have my doubts people.  I know that I must sound a little mental and I am sure that you are right for thinking that but I just can't seem to make sense of that whole chain of reasoning.  I might weaver on the belief but I do think that the body is an amazing thing and it has coping mechanisms that we can tap into, we just have to figure out how.

I am missing The Man as well at the moment, I hate that we have to spend this time apart, even though I know it is necessary.  I love that when life gets a bit much I can come and recover down at my parents house, it is the best place for me and it is definitely helping mend me again.  I just wish I didn't have to have these rest bites down here, at some point in my life it would be nice to be able to cope with all of this a little better.  I am very conscious of the pressure this puts on The Man, and actually to anyone around me, it must be so hard to cope with me at the best of times, let alone when I am ill, which apparently is all the time at the moment.

I am really excited about things in one way and really down about things in another...yes confusing huh! I know, I mean this is my thought process everyday, can you imagine, at least you can stop reading and it goes away.  I am excited about getting back to work, The Man and I one day having our own place, visiting his family in Spain and Austria, visiting my family in Scotland and America, exploring the world, there is a million things on this list and then something pops into my head 'Monster'.  I don't want Monster to be a part of any of this, I want it to be Jess, not Jess&Monster.  Oh well, wishing is something that I could hope to do, working out how to make it a reality is going to be the real challenge.

Sudoku nightmare!

I have so much to tell you all but I have left it too late.  I promise I will post something by tomorrow lunch time.  I have somehow become obsessed with Sudoku, I set myself a silly challenge last week to complete 40 in three days, I did that but now I just can't stop, it is consuming my life...AHHH!  I am on number 82 and have 168 to do in the book and then it will all be over.  I know that a sane person would not be so obsessed but I just can't help in, think I have finally flipped.

Love you all xxx

Christina Aguilera - Fighter

Little bit cheesy I know but I hear this song and it makes me think of my Monster, how he hurts me and how every day seems like a new fight, a new challenge. Learning more, fighting harder to stay Jess.

Accepting the Unacceptable

Sorry I haven't been back to finish my story about my walk, but something horrible happened and it has really knocked me.  Mum took me out on a walk last night and as we walked down the cycle path two boys cycled down towards us; we were on the correct side of the path not to get in their way, but one of them rode right at me, even though I was trying to stumble out of his way with my walker (Dylan) he cycled right at me and then swerved at the last moment and rode away laughing.  It was horrible!  I don't expect anyone to understand but when you are not able to walk properly it is embarrassing and also you can't move out of dangers way so it makes me feel incredibly vulnerable.  I spoke to my hypnotherapist about this and she said that the reason for a lot of my anxiety is the 'Fight or Flight' instinct being affected, I can neither fight or flight.

I know that I have to learn to be confident about my new situation but I am finding it tough, I was a confident person before, so now I am having to accept what really seems at the moment as the unacceptable, I am having to deal with the fact that I am disabled.  Dramatic you might think but that is the reality of it, I am no longer an abled person, I can't walk for more than a few steps without a support, may that be leaning on a wall, using my stick, holding on to someone, my walker and the list goes on.  Unfortunately in life people are labelled, we all do it, we are all guilty but it is true, people have their pigeon holes.  I am finding it hard to accept that my pigeon hole now is so far removed from what it would have been 8 months ago.

I guess the one thing that we have to be thankful about is that people are adaptable, regardless of the situation, people adapt.  I know that I will adapt, I will find my way of dealing with all of this, I am also realising that this is going to be tough, tougher than I ever imagined.  I am going to one day be strong and more resilient to all this malarky, I just hope some of you are still bother to read, just so you all know that I made it.   Like I have said many times before, I am so grateful for every single time you log on and read my ramblings.  Thank you xxx