112 Days and counting

Post from shift.ms Blog for GNR

112 Days and counting

So I have just got back from Spain and realised that it is just a 112 days until the big day...aaahhhhh!  I must tell you all that I am doing this run/walk and I still can't walk too far unaided, since my last relapse.  I thought that attempting a half marathon would give me something to aim for but now I am secretly thinking AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!  He he he!  It is going to be epic though, I am going to collapse over that line and expect someone to hand me a glass of Pinot Grigio.

I was diagnosed with MS last August and they suspect I have had it for over 10 years so I figured I have had it this long why let it stop me now.  I think that everyone else with MS might know something I don't though as I think I am the only one doing the GNR but I am sure I will make someone giggle through this whole experience as I am planning to document it well.

I would add some smart photos of me 'training' but I haven't quite started yet on the up side I do have a rather good tan.  You might think I am joking about my walking capability but it is true and I am not sure how I will be for the GNR but I did think together we could PIMP my walker (his name is Dylan).  If you have any idea's please get in touch as this should be very funny.

Signing off now (to go eat frozen yoghurt)
May the training commence
Jess xxx

omph!

Today was tough, it was tough tough tough but I got through it.  Unfortunately I don't really have the omph to write tonight but I will be back tomorrow, so sorry for being rubbish.  Loves always

Jess xxx

Back in the real world

Have to say it has been a shock to the system but we are back now and getting ready for work tomorrow.  I had such an amazing time and can't wait to go back soon.  The Man's Mum is amazing and everyone we met out there was lovely, it is nothing like I thought it would be as I imagined it would feel more isolated than it did.  It is such a lovely area of the world that I don't think you would ever see if you didn't know someone there.

I felt pretty good the whole time I was there as well which is brilliant.  People if you are worried at all about sun holidays with MS I would say, don't.  It was about 29 degrees and I could sit out in direct sunlight nearly all day with the occasional dip in a cool pool to bring my core temperature down.  I am so happy to say that I can still tan, I know it is very shallow but it makes me feel so much better about myself. I have Indian blood so I go really brown and don't really burn so I think I was made to be in the sun.  Obviously I put sun cream on to protect my skin which is important for us all, I think sometimes when you do tan it is easy not to be careful in the sun but with MS I honestly can't risk having to fight anything else at all.

The Man and I giggled all the way home, it was so much fun, I think I could travel to the ends of the earth with him.  We had a poor wee girl behind us that couldn't understand all the plane malarky, why should she have to sit still.  I always feel sorry for little ones on planes because it is so difficult for them and there parents.  She made it though and the world was ok again for her.

Right must go wash travelling off me.

Loves
Jess

Last day in Spain

Last day of our holiday and I can honestly say I am going to be gutted leaving. I have slept more here than I have anywhere else for such a long time. I honestly think a massive dose of vitamin D has done me the world of good. One thing I have noticed though is that weird pain in my knee that I occasionally get, it is really painful and makes it difficult lifting or straightening my leg. Although it is an almighty pain in the bum to have a dodgy knee it is liveable so I shouldn't complain.

It has been lovely chilling out with The Man and forgetting the world for a while. I think this break has been just what he needed and having some 'Mum Time' has done him the world of good. I think we all sometimes take for granted Mum Time but it is a time when we relax and heal so my advise to everyone today would be phone your mum and tell her you love her because she is the only one you'll ever have. Even better, if you are near her give her a cuddle and make sure she know how much you love her.

I am setting myself the task of writing a shopping list today, i think we are to do our Shopping on the way back to London. I need to think about what we will be cooking for the next couple of weeks. So I am off to do that now but will be back later I am sure.

Love always
Jess xxx

It's a tough life

Ok, so I have to tell you this, there has been some more disruption in the family over the past few months, today there has been a break through and the beginnings of settlement has been made. I know that things happen in families all the time that cause stress, worry and anxiety but as the little sister and I don't like it.

We are waiting for dinner to be delivered from an english lady who in the summer months does something called Super on the Terrace at her house and everyone here really raves about it, but out of season she cooks and delivers which is meant to be amazing.

Again today has been lovely, really relaxing, cooling off in the pool has been fantastic and simply hanging out with The Man and his Mum has been wonderful. Sorry I have to say when I write about being enthusiastic about something I run out of the good words like, fantastic, amazing, wonderful and then I get stuck.

He he he! Right I am off to relax some more. Hard life this is.

Loves
Jess

Sunny MS'er

Good afternoon folks I am coming to you from the sunny pool side in Spain, looking out over the most amazing view. We have had a subdued day sunbathing, swimming and eating which has been just what the doctor ordered. I thought my days of sun holidays were over but I am happy to report MS'ers, I can still do sun. Every time I think I am over heating I just in the pool and cool off, job done.

Earlier in the pool I did get stung by a wasp that was stuck in the water but it only stung for second and now it is absolutely fine. I am thinking about getting in the pool in as second actually. I am reading Shakespeare's A MidSummers Nights Dream, like most Shakespeare it is a little intense but I tell you something it is a good story. I just finished reading the worst girly book ever, it was Sweet Valley High Ten Years On, it was written in terrible English and drove me mad but I have to say I loved it. Girls you might no what I am talking about, boys...never find out, for your sake.

I am loving this holiday and can safely say that this will not be the last time we head to these parts. It is great when visiting family is a holiday in itself. Anyway, must go for a swim xxx

Loves
Jess

Torre Del Mar

Wow! I just wrote a massive post and then accidentally deleted it all AAAHHHHH! I was telling you all that we had a lovely day in Torre Del Mar and had a lovely Italian meal. It is late and I am tired will write again tomorrow, just wanted to let you all know what amazing day I had. I also drank wine and have not suffered to much, it is a miracle, a few spine spasms but a very very small price to pay for such a lovely with such amazing company.

Right I am going to go now and go to bed.

Love you all xxx

Journey to Spain

Good day folks, I am coming to you from Spain and it is absolutely amazing, it is about a billions times more beautiful than I ever could have dreamt up. The Man's Mum and her friend J came to meet us from the airport and drove us back here and we spent the day chilling out around the pool, it was a perfect day, eating and drinking out side until 10pm.

I have to tell you about the journey over here because if yoU have mobility problems at all like I do get Special Assistance because they are brilliant and take the airport stress out of the journey, here i must mention that this isn't the case for everyone and those vile people I told you about yesterday were going to have a horrible time no matter what happened. I actually don't think there was much wrong with then other than they were too fat and lazy to walk around the airport.

When we got to Spain there was a bit of a wait on the plane for the Special Assistance and as they had taken my walker away and put it in the hold I did need some assistance but it was absolutely fine. We got to meet the pilots and they were both lovely, they helped get the assistance sorted out. All in all it was a great journey.

Right I have to go and shower but there is a good chance I will be back later as are just planning a complete chill out day.

Loves millions
Jess

Vile people

We at the airport sitting in the special assistance bit and I swear there are the worst type of people here. There is a couple f-ing and blinding at each other and I think they are just to fat and lazy to walk, demanding that the world owes them something. All I can say is some people in this world are absolutely vile.

I am so excited about our holiday and The Man is making everything so perfect. Just waiting to board the plane and then we are off.

Talk soon xxx

Glenn Wool - Live at the Comedy Store

Now this is my favourite comedian and we saw him last year in The Comdey Store yyeeeaaaaa!

SPAIN

I am off to Spain tonight so I am very excited, I am going to stay in a hotel with The Man and then we fly out tomorrow morning at daft o'clock.  I can't wait to get there and chillout, it sounds perfect, sun, pool, mountains and family...what more could I possibly need.  It is weird going on holiday when I have only just got back to work but I have 10 days of holiday left to take and can only carry 5 days over.  I think I will take a couple of days next month as well.

I have had an ok day at work today, I didn't come in until lunch time because this morning I was rough, I had that pain in the back of my neck where it feels as if someone has kicked me really hard in the base of my neck...yes it is that unpleasant.  I slept it off though and now feel much much better, although a little tired but hey, I am a worker after all.

I have started a Blog with the other Great North Runners http://shiftmsgnr.blogspot.com/ which is very exciting.  I am hoping to get all the runners to write about their GNR adventure, it will be publicity for shift.ms and should unite us all.  I am really looking foward to securing some park dates for everyone and also to really get involved, learning to walk again properly doesn't seem like such a hard task when your in it together.

Right I am going to go get The Man and go home.  This sitting at work is no good. 

Loves

Jess xxx

Fingers Crossed

Monday Morning and I am coming to you from my work, I have made it in for my 10^th day in total and I am feeling positive.  I am currently working on an interesting topic, I can put a positive view on what is usually quite a depressing aspect of our job.  I also get to see everything happening within our team which is also a brilliant way to get back into the swing of things.  People often get bogged down by the negatives of a situation and I am trying to ensure that I can bring in the positives as well.  I think that I have learnt more so than ever over the past year that people respond better and are much more willing to help and take things forward if you put it to them in a positive manner.  So many times over the past few months I have wanted to scream at the people closes to me, accuse them of not understanding or not caring, or tantrum because I am in so much pain but when I have taken a second to think about it no one will help me if I am horrible.  No one will want to be near me if I am miserable, the same should apply to my team.  The more gracious we can be and thank people for doing a good job when they do help up the more likely it is they will want to help us again.

I don’t feel to shoddy today, I have a sore neck/spine and occasional shocks but other than that I am feeling pretty good.  I am tired and think that I may have to give in and possibly admit that I am not completely fixed yet.  Everyone always tells me not to overdo it but I find it hard to establish what is living and what is overdoing it.  I guess that it is better to log all of this stuff so if there is a day when I think ‘enough is enough I need to rest’ at least I will know that I tried. 

I can’t wait to get to Spain and spend some time with The Man’s mum and her friends, I think we are going to have an absolutely amazing time.  Unfortunately she fell at the weekend and has broken her ankle, I feel really bad for her because she thinks this will affect our holiday, we need to make sure that she knows that we are really just interested in hanging out with her.  If our holiday consists of us going to her house and not leaving again until we head back to the airport then so be it, it would suit us both down to the ground.  I love how much The Man craves being near his family now, not that he didn’t before but I think he is more secure and confident to say it now.  He is really bless (as am I) to have such an amazing family, his Mum, Sister, Dad and his wife and Aunties (ies because I am counting C in that category)  and what makes it all the more perfect for me is I love spending time with them as well.

I met a lovely man the other night when The Man and I went out for dinner.  For the first time since I got sick we went for dinner and shared a bottle of wine, which was amazing.  We finished at the restaurant and walked down the round to a bar for another glass of wine/beer and it was there we met an older man called Laurie.  Laurie had been very kind to me when I was trying to stumbled around to get to the toilet and he made me smile, I said to The Man that I wanted to say ‘Thank You’ to him and when I did we discovered that he too had MS which is why he walked with a cane.  He has lived in the area for 60 + years and knows lots of different groups and organisations in the area that I might benefit from, so we swapped numbers and when I get back from holiday I will give him a ring.

Training for the Great North Run has been a little slow to be honest but I am still confident that we will do it.  When I get back from holiday I will be going swimming at least 3 times a week hopefully which will be great for my overall health but should also strengthen my legs.  I am also seeing my Neurologist on the 30^th June so hopefully he will put me forward for the FES http://www.salisburyfes.com/ .  If I do get onto this programme it will completely change my everyday life I think.  IF you are interested at all then check out the website but in summary this is what it could potentially do for me -  

· Improved ground clearance

· Reduced tripping and falls

· Reduced compensatory activity

· Reduced effort of walking

· Reduced spasticity

· Increased walking speed

· Heel strike with eversion

· improved loading response

· greater stability in stance

· Greater range of mobility

· Greater safety, confidence and independence while walking

· Long term therapeutic benefit

· Greater social interaction and improved quality of life

Sounds good to me!  So you all have to keep you fingers and toes crossed for me on the 30^th of June. 

Better go just now, hopefully I will have time to write later on.

Loves xxx

Rubbish Blogger

Bad poster huh!  I am sorry, I moan to you all on Friday and then don't post all weekend, bet you all thought I was suicidal by my moan on Friday, my apologies.  I am fine now, Friday was one of my worse days of my life but I got over it.  Jess 1 - Monster 0!

We went out last night for a meal at a Mezze restaurant and it was amazing, I drank too much wine and have felt sick all day so lesson learnt and until the next time, I am never drinking again.  I have had a brilliant weekend with The Man and now have Spain to look forward to, we go on Wednesday.

I will speak to you soon, sorry I haven't got a lot to say today.

Loves xxx

Feel like Crying

Think I should have stayed home

I am feeling pretty terrible at the moment and wish I had just stayed home, out of troubles way.  It is one of those days where I physically feel bad but also mentally feel bad, I want to cry.  It has been a good week and I have got a lot done but I think now I am exhausted, physical pain wearing me down and emotional battle to keep waking up in the morning.  I  try to stay up beat because the alternative is depression and I think I have enough to deal with, without letting that creep in, but I must say it is tough.

Something as still as walking up to see an old colleague and them deciding to go to a little pub round the corner set me off and all I wanted to do it have the ground open up and swallow me.  It is only 200ft further up the road for me but it is a cobbled street which is tough for me to walk on, it is a tiny pub and I wouldn't have comfortably got my walker in there and if they had stood outside I wouldn't have been able to stand.  To top it all off it is the end of the week and I find conversation incredibly hard when I am tired so I wouldn't have been able to join in.  The Man had gone up with me as it was one of his colleagues as well but when I decided to go back to the office he insisted on walking with me which is really sweet but it makes it harder for me because I feel I need to hurry, I get that chased feeling.  I know it must be horribly hard finding the middle ground with me but what can I do?

Tonight we are going out for dinner with The Man's Dad and Aunty which will be nice.  I need to make sure that I have gotten over this feeling before I leave work.  I hate myself for feeling so vulnerable and then I strop with myself because I feel terrified inside and just want to cry.  The phrase 'getting yourself in a pickle' applies to me today.  I think I am going to fall out with myself a little bit more this afternoon before getting myself out of it.

Loves
Jess xxx

Surprise Visit

Yeeeaaaa!  We have a surprise visitor, The Man's Dad has come to stay with us as his flights back from the British Virgin Islands has been rough and he missed his connecting flight, due to the Airline.  Even though it is a horrible thing to have happened and the journey back has been pretty horrific, it is good for The Man and I because we get to see him and he gets to see our new home, so all round I think we both feel like winners in the airlines mistake.

Need to sleep though xxx

Evan Longoria saves reporter with bare hand catch

Definite Jedi Powers!

Wicked v's tube

I am having to do a sneaky post today as I am going to the theatre tonight so will not be doing much posting later I don't think.  We are off to see Wicked tonight, The Man is not the biggest fan of musicals so I am very happy that he is paining his way through another one with me.  I am a believer that people have this silly thing against musicals because they go and see rubbish ones as a child and have horrible memory of them.  I think you really have to try things out before hating on them completely.          

Today is going to be my first adventure on the tube as well so all round it is going to be a big day.  I am really nervous about tackling Victoria Station at rush hour with a walker but I guess if I am ever going to get over these fears I am going to have to just get on with it.  The Man will be with me the whole time so I will just stay close to him and remember my tapping techniques.  Although I am nervous I am also very excited because if I can do this then London becomes more of a home again, if I can manage this then I reckon I can handle any lines around London.

Being at work today has been good, I am glad I didn't listen to my body this morning because it was screaming at me to stay home and sleep.  This is a clear example of when I shouldn't listen to it, yesterday it didn't scream but needed sleep.  It is easy to say 'listen to your body' but think about it before saying it to someone, it is easier to be the sayer than be the listener.  I think we are all guilty of not listening to our own bodies but that might not be because we ignore ourselves, it might be that we simply do not understand what is being said to us.  I know this paragraph is a bit Blah Blah Blah but even talking about this weird connection is difficult.

I have a catch up meeting with The Boss Man in a minute which I hope goes well.  I want to encourage him to tell me the truth about my work and also to encourage my team lead to be brutally honest with me.  I figured that the only way I will learn is if they push me in the right direction.  They have both been absolutely amazing but I definitely don't want them to get caught in a trap that because I am sick they have to dance around me fearing hurting my fragile feelings whilst I am recovering.  I want them to know that I am a tough cookie and I am here to better myself in every way I can.

Shall go just now.  Loves

Jess xxxx

Wicked 2009 Exclusive New Trailer (London)

WFH

I am working from home today and although I know that it is doing me good it is also driving me CRAZY!  I just want to be back at work, I want to get annoyed at being at work, I want to get frustrated that I spend so much time in an office, I want to feel like a normal 9 to 5'er.  I know it is silly but I am definitely a creature of habit and I like routine.  I have been out of a routine for so long now that I am craving it.

I have to admit that today has been a strange day, I was productive in the morning but got very tired in the afternoon, so I put my head down on the couch and woke up 4 hours later. I was completely knackered and I hadn't even realised.  I am back to that weird thing where I can hear my body screaming at me but I have no idea what it is trying to tell me.  I know that I have mentioned this before but I honestly spend a lot of time trying to understand what I am meant to do in regards to my body.  I wish it was consistent, but its not so I am just going to have to trying and learn my own body's language.

The Man and I walked up to the local Iceland which is 0.3miles away from our new flat and I have a funny feeling that it will be the last time we do that.  On the way up there we saw policemen/women inside a flat removing suitcases, it was weird and then The Man turned to me and said jokingly 'isn't it nice the police help people move in this area'.  They looked like they were removing dodgy stuff and there were loads of young men sitting around outside the flat.  The Iceland shopping experience was horrible, I can't believe the amount of processed foods they sell in these places, it is disgusting to think that people can survive on foods that come in a box with no real knowledge or understanding of what they are putting in their bodies.  I don't mean to be judgey and I realise that there are a lot of people that have little choice but to shop in these places because it is so cheap but I think as a nation we are failing people by allowing these shops sell these products.

Some of our friends completed the 'Moonwalk' (half marathon walk) and they did it in 4-5hours which is encouraging.  I am really excited about doing the Great North Run, I would like to complete it in 4 and half hours approximately.  I know that taking on these challenges might seem a little retarded but they keep me going, they make me focus on what I can do rather than what I can't.  It is all very exciting and being involved with the charity shift.ms is another boost to my confidence and makes to strive to win this  silly on going argument I seem to have with the Monster.  Speaking of the Monster I hadn't ever noticed that MonSter has the initials MS in it, weird huh!

Right I am off for now, thanks for reading.  Loves always
Jess xxxx

Oh No!

Bums, it looks as if the Stat's page has broken, it isn't that no one is reading, it is that it isn't logging it at the moment.  This is tragic!  Scary stuff people...Blogger is broken again.

shift.ms exciting stuff

I can't believe it, I have been hitting approximately 50 page views per day lately and weirdly today I have only had 5...I am starting to worry that the world has disappeared out there.  HELLO...CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME?  He he he!  I guess I must be really boring today, sorry folks.  I have loads to tell you about actually, like all the stuff I am doing for shift.ms.  The Man and I met Beki today for a coffee and it was lovely, she is lovely an enthuisatic which when you feel poop most of the time is important.  It is very important to have people like her around you to bring you up and make you feel like you can do anything.   The Man and Beki got on well and I think that the Great North Run will be loads of fun.

Currently I am helping with -
Setting up monthly meetings for the GNR participants
Setting up a monthly meeting for shift.ms'ers
Writing greeting messages to all newcomers to the site
Writing a letter/email to London based shift.ms and universities to look for volunteers
Setting up a shift.ms GNR (Great North Run) blog sit for the runners.
Starting an Events calendar
Setting out tasks for up and coming events.

All things that I am very excited about.  I am loving being involved in the charity.

I also got my personal development today which I thought you might be interested in reading -

******************************************************************************
Jess, You have been brave and bold during what has I'm sure been an "Annus horribilis" and your determination has been noticed if not always been whats best for you.
I believe that you have grasped the bigger picture over the last year and matured massively in the work place. I hope that you will continue to progress in this way and bring others along with you. You have many leadership qualities and by taken the lead in  scrumming for the team, I believe you can now use these talents.
Be patient as not always do other see the bigger picture, and nor do you to be going 100mph to get where your going.

Jess, you have made a concerted and effective effort this year in integrating with other teams and to educate them as to how decisions small as they may be have rippling consequences. By placing the information and fact in a visible way you have given many food for thought. Your work with the iteration management and BA's has pushed many things forward. Your positive outlook with all considered has continued and its a pleasure to have you aboard.

As mentioned earlier your efforts on organising the teams bugs stories and processes have been creative and delivered competently. You have understood the needs to talk with other and also to listen this I think has helped us all. All in all the "Believe in Better" attitude you have in abundance.

I think it is a year for you to take stock on all you picked up last year and move forward with more direction, thus to complement your scrum development I would recommend some course like influence and persuasion

********************************************************************************

So I am very excited about those comments and hope to keep improving.

Bye for now xxx

Nearly home

We are driving back from London and we have been stuck in traffic for ages, I feel so bad for The Man as he has done so well and we are so nearly home. We collected the folks this morning all suited and booted it was funny. It is nice to have them back and I think they have had an amazing time.

I can't wait to get home and blog properly. Just thought I'd say hi quickly xx

Aunt Irma

Phew!  I am a tired girl today, happy but tired.  We drove down to my parents house last night and took a different route so it took a little longer than usual but it was a good trip and we got down here and crashed out straight away.  Today The Man had an appointment with the sports therapist and I went to get my hair trimmed.  I have an admission to make and that is since I have posted photo's up my hair has gone bright red, I will try and add some photo's soon.

We have had quite a busy day and we also have to get up at 4am to go and collect my parents so I am absolutely pooped.  We are going to go suited and booted, both of us and we have made a 'WEBB' sign with 'Parent Pick-Up Ltd' written on it so we can look official he he he!  They are hopefully going to love it, and also we wanted to make it as easy for them as possible.  I have spoken to them everyday that they have been away, I speak to them everyday normally, have to, they are my safety net.  I hope they have had an amazing time over seeing Bro and family, I know they miss them loads so I think time over there will have been good for them both.  Dad hates flying so I am sure that he will be happy to be back home.

The Man is looking after me so unbelievably well at the moment, he won't let me do anything.  I did manage to sneak out of bed this morning and make him breakfast and run him a bath but if I am not quick I am immediately commanded to sit down and 'Rest'.  He has been amazing this week and I honestly don't think I would have made it through without him looking after me.  We do well at looking after each other and he has made it clear that this is his time to look after me, which is amazing and I definitely think it is the right thing at the moment.  I mentioned The I.T Crowd and Aunt Irma, if your interested check out this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w9eoZtnJSA

Right surrendering, I need to sleep.

Love to you all
Jess xxxx

5 days in a row!

This is the most exciting day of all because firstly I completed 5 days back at work, secondly complete 8 miles this week walking to and from work and we got broadband.  I am so glad I went with BT, it was so easy, plug it in, turn it on, put in the password they give you and Bobs your Uncle it is up and running.  I am very excited because I can now I can write to you anytime I like.  I know this sounds mad but for the past 2 days Google Blogger has been down so I couldn't update my Blog and it was horrible, I don't know if your relationship will ever end, I did not like it.

I have to tell you about last night and our neighbours coming round, it was brilliant.  We posted little cards through all the flats letterboxes inviting them to come for drinks in our flat, a little introduction.  I was so nervous, I was sure that no one would turn up, I got myself in a little tizz and The Man calmed me down with a glass of wine.  First the guys across the hall came through, they were lovely and I discovered that one of them has written a blog for the past 5 years and has had 150,000 pageviews.  Right there and then I decided that he would be my new hero, he he he!  His blog is lots of thing that he likes and randomness it is interesting http://lamaldiciondeldiablolabrujayloschinos.blogspot.com/ he is Spanish and it is in Spanish but there is a translator so you can read it in English.  The others were also very interesting and lovely people, they stayed for 2 hours and we all sat round chatting, having a drink.  Funniest comment was 'We thought you were definitely American, only Americans would have invited everyone round'.  Best thing about that comment was it was made by an American.  They were all lovely and I am even more exciting to be living here.

We are driving down to my parents tonight because The Man has an appointment with the sports therapist tomorrow and on Sunday we are collect them from the airport as they have been States side visiting the American section of our family.  I have spoken to them everyday, like I would do when they are at home so they know all my news.  It is 21.34 and we should hit the road, if I am not too tired when I get down there, which if I am not I think aliens will have abducted me, I might write again but I think tomorrow is definitely more likely.

Love you all
Jess

Giggles

This also made me giggle today he he he!

Ultimate Dog Tease

This made me giggle today xxx

Day 4

We are on Day 4 people and I am feeling good.  I have to tell you that I am feeling a little hormonal at the moment so at any given time can change into a psycho for no apparent reason.  There is a funny episode from The I.T Crowd which I will post later, it is exactly right, especially working in an I.T environment.  I think we are getting close to need to know basis but hey I promised to write the truth so there you have it.

The Man worked out that we have walked 5.6miles this week to and from work so far and by the end of the week we will have walked 8miles.  I know that this isn't earth shattering and is spread out over a week but considering I am walking with a walker and haven't been doing that much walking for about a year, I think it is a pretty big achievement.  In a week or so The Man and I are going to go for a walk and see what distance we can do.  We are going to be doing the GNR in 128 days so I think we need to being thinking about training in some way.

I am excited, I have done 4 days and it is 30minutes off the end of the day and I am feeling okay.  I would say I feel good but that might be slightly misleading because I am exhausted and reasonably sore but I am so excited it is over riding how I feel physically.  I have just spoken to the Boss Man and that has got me more excited about being back at work.  I honestly couldn't have asked for anything more from my Boss Man or my Team Lead, or the whole company, they have been absolutely amazing.  I work for SKY and I think I should acknowledge how amazing they have been.

Today is Broadband day which is exciting but I wasn't there to got the parcel so I will have to arrange to pick it up tomorrow.  This means folks I can write to you anytime which is exciting.  Today is also the day that we hopefully meet some of our neighbours as we have invited them all around for a drink.  So I shall run off now but I will be back tomorrow.

Loves
Jess

More to say...

I feel another post coming on, not that I have loads to tell you but I am sitting here at work and I am bursting with things to tell you.  Some people at work have decided that I look like Laylu from fifth element because of my hair -

I am taking this as a compliment as she is lovely and have sworn that if I loose enough weight I will wear 'the dress'.  For those of you who have seen the film will know what I mean about 'the dress'.

Today has been a productive day but sore.  I have already spoken to my team lead and he has ok'd me taking tomorrow off if needed or doing a half day if needed.  So for everyone that might think I am pushing it too hard I promise I am not.  If I feel ok tomorrow though I will be here with bells on because coming back to work is what I have wanted for so long.  I know that pushing too hard might be silly but I will speak to The Man and he will know what the best thing to do will be.

I listen to people all day, on the radio, on the telly, in person and I often wonder if they are happy.  I know this is might sound weird but I wonder if they realise how lucky they are, on a daily basis.  I am lucky and I think I realise that now, not completely because I am definitely far from perfect but I think I do understand a little about how blessed I really am.  Some silly examples of these things are, if I want a hot drink of any kind I have it, if I want to get up and go to the toilet I can, if I want to sit here writing to you I can.  None of these things are monumental I realise but if you think about what is involved in each of those every day things it makes me think about how lucky I am.

Having MS has completely changed me, it has completely changed my life and everything about my hopes and dreams but I have to admit, I think that most of these changes have been for the better.  I might not walk Everest but I probably never would have anyway.  I might have trouble walking around cities that I want to visit but that might mean I get to really appreciate the bits I do see and also give me more of a reason to go back.  I might not ever run a marathon but I don't think I would have try to achieve that anyway.  I don't know if I will ever charge around London at a million miles an hour again but I can't say I will miss that.

The things that MS have made possible for me are, I am going to do my first half marathon (Great North Run), I am going to train to swim the Solent, I am hopefully going to ride a bike from Lands End to John'O'Groats.  I have had time to appreciate the quality time I get to spend with my friends and family.  I have moved into an amazing flat with the man I love.  I have moved close enough that I can walk to work and enjoy the walk.  My diet has had to change and I am looking and feeling better than ever (possibly not feeling but I am working on that).  I have also had time to concentrate on  my career, not boozing and generally just focusing on improving myself.  Oh and I must not forget all the wonderful therapies I have been enjoying.

I know all the horribleness linked to MS, I live with it every day, right now I feel like my insides are bruised and every time I breathe it hurts but I also know that it will pass.  Life won't be the same again for me but who ever said it was that great to start with.  I am on a new path now and I fully intend to enjoy every single step along the way.

Bye for now
Jess xxxx

Day 3

I am on my third day back at work and I am feeling not too horrendous, I have a horrible pain in my right side and my left Thumb is still hurting but apart from that I am doing good.  I have just had lunch with The Man, salad, feta and carrot and pumpkin bread, it was lovely.  It is so nice having The Man at work, it is nice having him so close that I feel safe.  I spoke to my hypnotherapist about feeling anxious but feeling better when I was close to my parents and she explained that it was because I am protected by their personal space, I am encased in it and that makes me feel secure.  I think the same thing now happens with The Man, I feel safe and confident when he is near me.  I am going to have to work on this not becoming a dependancy but I figured one step at a time, first get back to my life and then work on getting  more confident on my own.

Chez is coming to the 'Frank-Webbo Manor' this evening, we are going to eat pizza and drink Prosecco whilst watching 'The Apprentice' on telly.  I haven't seen any of it yet but this is the second episode so I guess I will catch up.  I am looking forward to a nice chilled out evening, cooking, chilling and having a little drink, life seems nearly perfect.  I actually feel like my old self at the moment, I mean I am coming to work, walking no less, able to have a little drink and able to enjoy time spent with The Man, friends and soon family, life feels good.

I have so many plans at the moment and so many things I want to do but I have to remember my limitations and think of the end goal.  I know that everything will still be there when I am better but I have this burning need to be better and get on with life.  I am finally learning to live with the Monster, I think we are finally learning to balance in each others lives.  I still picture him as a naughty child, angry when he doesn't receives enough attention.  It is hard not fearing what he will do to me but I know that what ever is meant to be will be.  I hate to say this and sound like a fruit loop but I think over the past few months I have found faith.  I am not going to start preaching but I have found comfort in the fact that in the darkest days of my life recently something brought The Man into my life, someone somewhere must have been looking out for me.

I am not completely convinced that you can have a 'God' without a 'Goddess', I believe in energies and I believe in people so I think I am trying to tell you, I don't know what I believe in but I know that I do.  Everything that has happened to me over the past few months and years has happened for a reason, it has shaped and moulded into the person I am today and that person met The Man, so for no other reason than that, I like me and I have to accept and have room for the Monster.  I know I am babbling a bit and I should stop now and go and do some work.  I just wanted you to know that I am doing good, if not just a little bit mental.

Other Blogs

Hey there folks, I just want to give a shout out to some other BLOGs that you might find interesting -

Will has recemtly started a Blog - http://helme360.blogspot.com/ 

Claire writes really well - http://youngandlivingwithms.blogspot.com/

Lynda is quirky - http://www.copingandhopingwithms.com/

Just a few that I have been keeping up with and enjoying.  Check out my 'Some Sites and Blogs I like' section on the right hand side of the page for other sites I think are cool.

Lykke Li - Little Bit

London Town

I am on my second day back at work and I am feeling surprisingly good.  I might sound slightly shocked about this but I thought I would be a complete mess, I thought I would not be able to handle it and the Monster would get the better of me, but it hasn’t.  I have walked both to and from work and I feel good (ish).  Being in work has done wonders for my confidence as well, I don’t feel so useless.

I have to tell you as well that I absolutely love the new flat, it is amazing.  The Man and I wrote out little note-lets to each of out neighbours (there are 6 flats per block) and invited people around for a drink on Thursday night.  Living in London I am not entirely sure of the whole etiquette of it all so I thought I would cut my own shapes and do it our own way.  So far 2 of the 5 other flats have emailed me, 1 couple can make it and the other can not but we might arrange to meet another night.  I shall report back on how it all goes, hopefully we will meet some nice people.

Tonight we are going to attempt the nearest Asda’s, it is very exciting.  I hate supermarkets and get panic attacks regularly in them but I am up for the challenge.  I figured if I can sit in an office of 200 +  people I surely can manage a supermarket.  I am hoping to conquer this fear because my life will be awful if I can’t control it, I need to be able to handle all of life’s little adventure.  I am doing so much better and setting myself small goals is helping me to return to some normality.  I would definitely recommend this approach to anyone facing anything tough in life.  Everyday when I waken up I know the day is going to present some challenge that I will have to battle and overcome, but at the end of the day I am happiest when I feel like I have achieved, when I feel like I have won.

I feel good today but my left Thumb has been killing me today, it has been so sore that it has brought tears to my eyes.  Whilst sitting her getting on with it I have been thinking about my pain and how I have come to manage it, I know that I am not always in the right and sometimes I should just take something for it but I am proud of myself for facing this head on.  I know that pain relief could make my life more bearable but I also know that it would dumb down me, it would make me a little number and I am not sure if I could be strong without all my wits about me.  Speaking to people today about pain I suddenly realised that I made it, I have faced pain over the past 9 months that I honestly didn’t think possible and I got to the other side, I got here with love support and will power.

I will tell you what I have booked in all ready, only being back in London a week -

Tomorrow night - Visit from Chez and possibly Pete
Thursday night - Mews drinks to meet our neighbours
Friday Lunch - I have organised lunch with an old work colleague for 10 people
Saturday - Heading to Pompey for The Man’s chiro appointment
Sunday -  Collecting Mum and Dad from Airport
Monday - Possibly Lunch with Beki
Tuesday - Free
Wednesday - Wicked (Theatre)
Thursday - House Mates coming down to see us, picnic in the Park

So as you can see, with all the good intentions in the world it is hard to keep yourself free when you live in London.  Not that I am complaining, I am also not pushing it too much either as most of these activities are at our new flat or near my work.

Anyway have to sign off now and go home as The Man is ready for me.

Loves always
Jess xxxx

DING DING DING...10,000 page views

Hi there everyone, we did it, 1 year and 3 months ahead of schedule, we have hit our goal of 10,000 page views

This is an amazing day in the life of Jess and I want to Thank every single person who has been on this journey with me.  Every single time you log on and read my ramblings you give me strength, every time I felt like giving up you have made me stronger and every day for the past 9 months you have made me smile.  Thank you.

I hope you stay with me as this journey has just begun.

Love always

Jess xxx

Cruel World

I have woken up with a surge of love this morning, I woke up in our new flat with The Man stroking my hair and even though the pain in my leg is so overwhelming it seems to fade away and not be so important.  Years ago I had a painful knee and had to go to hospital because it was overwhelming, the hospital seemed sure that it was fluid in my knee so they proceeded to suck the inside of my knee out, and found nothing but the inside of my knee funnily enough.  They put me in a massive leg brace and crutches and sent me home, I couldn’t walk on it for about 8 weeks, it was slightly tragic.  The pain in my knee is that exact pain but I think my pain threshold has increased so much since the last time I am coping a lot better with it.

I actually feel like the world is playing a bit of a cruel joke on my because this knee thing has happened in my left leg (same as before) and this is the leg that spasms severely so this causes added pain.  This will pass, I know that, it is just a pain that I could do without when we are still sorting out the new flat and moving from the house.  Cruel world huh!  I guess I have to laugh or I think I would cry about it all.

We are just waiting for our landlord to come round with a bed for the spare room and a new couch so I will go just now but will be back soon.

Loves
Jess xxxx

Crazy mental

Well we are in our new home...and it is absolutely perfect for us.  I am happy to tell you that we are settled and it is already beginning to feel like home.  I have to tell you about how traumatic is has been for both of us, and I have to admit that it is 99% my fault.  I have told you countless times how emotionally unreliable I am at the moment, well add moving into a flat with a man into it and I absolutely hit ‘CRAZY’, if there were prizes for being crazy mental I believe I would have won first prize.  I woke up on moving day and said ‘I can’t do this, I am not moving with you’, luckily for me I have The Man and he let me work through it.  I am also lucky because I have a some of the best friends a girl could wish for.  One of my friends came to see me at lunchtime, her name is Gwaltz (nickname) and she is absolutely amazing, she talked me down from my craziness and made me realise that I want to do this.

I spent moving day in a shear mental panic and moving all our stuff downstairs.  It is tough for me doing stairs but I was determined to be helpful and contribute to our move even if it did make me feel bad.  The problem I have is if I can’t see my feet then they are a hazard, I can’t feel when they hit the floor or how they hit the floor so if I can’t see them I often go over on my ankles which is incredibly painful.  I got it done through and when everyone got home from work everything was waiting to attempt our ‘big move’.  I had convinced my housemates to help us move with the lure of beer and pizza.  The boys worked really hard lifting and shifting all our stuff, it was a great effort and I will never forget their amazing they were.

It was nice for me as well because it gave me some time to sit in with the girlies.  It is funny that 3 of my housemates saw the flat before me, but it was worth it.  We all had pizza, beer and wine at the house and then The Man and I headed down to the flat for our first night in our new home.  I had only seen pictures of the flat and The Man was slightly worried because things were different, like the feature wall was different, it had been painted over and some of the furniture is different but it is absolutely perfect, none of that matters.

It got to me the other day about moving in with another boy (man), every time I have attempted this before it has ended in disaster.  The last time I moved into a 2nd floor flat I became a prisoner, I was scared, trapped and wished for death.  I know that this is different but there is part of me that I think is still trapped in that flat, crying and wishing she was dead.  I thought that I was over it all, I honestly thought I had moved on, forgiven and forgotten but the move unleashed all those feelings and fears.  I know that The Man would never intentionally hurt me so this situations is different but the irrational side of me is scared.

When I was cleaning out my memory box a couple of weeks ago I found pictures of the boy who created all these fears, I found 2 passport photo’s around 2 years apart.  I think this also opened the box of emotions I thought I was free of, the first photo is of a young attractive bloke, fresh faced smiling out and the second one was of a twisted monster with hate in his face.  I never in a million years thought that the boy in the first picture would morph into a monster, I would have said he would never hurt me...I was wrong.  I would lie awake terrified of him coming home, worried my mere breathing would send him into a wild rage and end in him beating me in the head.  This is in the past and I know that it is so far removed to my life now but I guess it isn’t something I have dealt with properly.

Through all of this The Man has been amazing, he has listened to it all, reassured me and made the whole transition so easy.  Never in my life have I ever felt so loved and secure, I love The Man so much.

Loads of STUFF

I am attempting to pack my room up but I have discovered that moving house is definitely not one of my favourites.  I met up with Beki from shift.ms which was brilliant, she is lovely and I think I am really going to enjoy helping out on the site, it is an amazing experience to have.  I am going to try and get people involved with different types of events, try to pull people together so that we don't feel like we are dealing with this all on our own.  Here are some of the idea's I have got so far -

• Charity Skydive for shift.ms - I have emailed Skyline and have enquired about costing and disability accessibility.
• MS picnic in Regents Park (or somewhere suitable), checking out access and toilets. 
• A monthly meet and greet in London and possibly one in Portsmouth as well (as I spend some time down there)
• Thought of setting up things like Equestrian days for MS sufferers, getting back to nature usually helps people.
• Possibly setting up a swimming event for all ranges of MS sufferers.
• Trips out the the Therapy Centers - Organising setting up some kind of system of picking people up and taking them to the centers and collecting them.
• Setting up a Yearly Ball for MS 
• Some sort of Craft thing - origami, brain exercises, sock puppet making that sort of thing.  Stuff to keep your brain and hands working.  Possibly on the site or meeting up somewhere.

I am going through these things and I will be making a list of things to do to make these happen, it is all very exciting.  

Back to moving though, see how easily I get distracted, I even went and had my nails done today, procrastination is a word that I have learnt and have been rocking it all day.  Don't worry I am mostly packed and I can't move stuff yet.  I had stuck a sign on my bedroom door and over the past few weeks (since Christmas) it has worried me...adhesive on a door...stuff of nightmares for me.  I was worried it would damage the door and I would have to pay for it.  Today I faced that nightmare and it came off easily, no hassle, no problems, just popped off.  Feel kind of silly now for all that worry.

I am so excited about returning to work as well, The Man has just told me that we sit facing each other 2 banks of desks apart.  We met when we worked together and then his contract ran out and he moved to another company, now he is back I feel happy and secure.  We weren't together last time but we were good friends and now when I look at him I know that he is coming home with me, it makes me smile just thinking about it.  I am looking forward to this next stage in my life, this next hurdle, I refuse to be sick anymore, I want to get back to my life, my career and enjoy it.

Today has been a bit of a mixed bag of emotions, I don't want to leave my house in Camden, it has been a real home for me and I love my housemates but I want to start my life with The Man.  I am terrified about going outside on my own but I have made myself and I am glad I did.  I am going to get the Bus down to pick up our keys tomorrow, it is a big mission that I feel I need to do, I am scared but I want to get over this and I have decided I need to try if I am going to get better.  

Right I have to go get back to it...don't think my room is packing itself to the sound of my music he he he!

Loves xxx 

Jess

Shaky shaky

Today has been riddled with fear, I hadn't really understood just how flaky I had gotten.  London is absolutely terrifying, my walking has got instantly worse and I spent a good 2 hours sitting on my bedroom floor crying and shaking uncontrollably.  I know that I need to work hard at getting over all of this but right now I want to shrivel up and die.  The Man has once again be brilliant, I feel bad as he has had look after me but I just feel horribly vulnerable at the moment.  Anyway I will write tomorrow and I promise I will be better.

Loves
Jess
xxxx

Michael Collings - Britain's Got Talent 2011 Audition - itv.com/talent

Wow this is brilliant, one of my all time favourite songs and he nails it.

Jess's hairbrained ideas

I thought I would give you a little run down of some of the things I would like to do -

Great North Run (in 2011) - 13 miles in Newcastle for shift.ms.  This is a bit of a crazy idea because I can't walk very far at the moment and think that this might be incredible difficult but I do think that I will do this and I know how proud I will be when The Man, The Rance and I cross the finish line.

Swimming from Gosport to the Isle of Wight (in 2012) - 3 and a quater mile swim from shore to shore.  That is 5.23 km which is just over 200 lengths of a 25 meter pool.  I did the calculations of this before and it was further than this but I have found a shorter safer route over.


Lands End to John o Groats (in 2013) (lejog) - The Man and I have talked about doing this on a tandem bike, it would involve cycling 100 miles per day over 14 days - 874 miles.   If we managed to do 100 miles per day then we could have 5 rest days in our plan.  There are some MAJOR problems with this plan at the moment...I am incredibly unfit, I can't really ride a bike, going on roads on a bike terrifies me and finally The Man hasn't really grasped the challenge of making me a biker he he he!  All things I believe we can conquer and I am hoping to do this adventure in 2013 so plenty of time to train.

So there we have it, The Man and I's grand plans for the next 3 years.  I think we are mental xxx

My friend the Rose

Every time I have this feeling of complete numbness, like my soul is numb and nothing in the world matters I look out the window and there she is, 'The Rose'.  Her petals are so deep red and she is so full and beautiful, I feel like she knows when I am sad and stretches out to remind me of the beauty in the world.  I am sitting her listening to my favourite artist Tracey Chapman looking out the window, for the past 10 years of my life this has been a ritual that I preform when things in my world are not right.  I have so much I want to tell you but I can't because they involve someone else and it is not right to publish things about others without their consent, so I won't, I may have chosen to share my most intimate thoughts with you but I have to be thoughtful of others.  I will tell you though that I have once again been shown that defence is always the best offence.

Matchbox Twenty - Push

Hollow

Today I feel Hollow completely devoid from any feelings about anything.  Isolated from the world and everyone in it.