8. Walking with WalkAide
9. Feeling like it's all going to be alright.
10. Feeling like I am properly back in the world
11. Inner Ear issues - Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo (BPPV)
12. Holiday Feeling
Following on a little from yesterday I thought I should just finish my post. I am going on holiday this week to Cornwall, off to see family so it should be lovely, but I might be quiet.
8. Walking with WalkAide
Walking with the WalkAide brings tears of joy to me because I feel like I can walk and it is such a sense of being again. I feel like I can reclaim of my place in the world, a world that I was slowly giving up on. I know that some might read this and think once again I am being dramatic but I promise you that I am not, these are real feelings and thoughts and somehow, I feel less lost know that I can walk tall again. It more I ever thought possible, I have hope again for my future.
9. Feeling like it's all going to be alright.
Hope is a funny thing and if I have learnt anything over the past few weeks is that hope can be easily misplaced. I had hoped that my application for FES would be going through without much thought, because my medical team were so adamant that I would get it, and this hope with dashed with a DENIED! I had hope that my purple/blue/white foot was a vascular issue and something that could be fixed but it wasn't it turned out to be neurological and that tore me apart. I have felt lost, broken and alone, until I took control and changed my reality. I looked for a solution to my problem and pursued it and it has changed my life for the better. I also took control and stopped the medication (always check with your medical team first before doing so) and it has pulled me out of a depression that I could not identify properly on my own and was losing the fight. I have learnt that I really do make my own reality and other can not fix me, no point waiting for others to intervene and change me situation, I have to seize the moment and change it for myself.
9. Feeling like it's all going to be alright.
For months and months I have used a walker, I have used it as a tool to help and also as a barricade against life. It is strange to explain to someone what it is like having to use something like a walker every time you leave the house. It chips away at your confidence, even if you have made peace with it, or it did mine. I am grateful that I have had Dylan (my original walker) and Blossom (my new lightweight walker) in my life. I also feel great thanks for having Chorlton (my wheelchair) for when I need him. These things were originally tools until I got better, but I didn't seem to get better, everything else around me seemed to improve but my walking continued to get worse, this terrified me. I have made peace that one day Chorlton may become a permanent feature in my everyday life but for now I am not ready, I know I have some walking to do, I know that I can do it I just needed something to help. I found it, we found it, it is brilliant. I have so much hope for the future and where I know that this is not going to fix my problems I also know I have some more time left on my feet and I can change my reality for now and do more of the things that I want to. I feel like I am not hiding anymore, I am going to take the world on, ahead on and brave it. Life seems full of possibilities again and where the future may bring Chortlon I am going to have memories that will see me through those days. Life does stop if I end up in Chorlton the challenges just change but what ever happens from here on I know I am stronger and will take them on.
11. Inner Ear issues - Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo (BPPV)
I have been feeling really dizzy lately, whenever I look up or lie down or get up it sends me into a really dizzy spin and makes me feel really queasy. After about 2 weeks of this I phoned Freya, my MS nurse and asked her and she said she thought it might be BPPV but she got me an appointment with my neurologist two days later. I saw him and he also confirmed it was BPPV, nothing too serious just the crystals in my inner ear which tell you which way up you are had come loose and that was causing this horrible dizzy feeling. I have some exercises to do to make the crystals settle back in the correct place. I was very happy that I didn't hear thoses dreaded words ('it's neurological') instead I heard 'it is not MS related and lots of people have this happen but it can be fixed with some exercises' woo hoo! best outcome ever. I honestly wanted to kiss my neurologist for confirming that.
12. Holiday Feeling
So in conclusion to this catch up post I am very excited about the future, relieved that my dizziness is something average and fixable and finally that I am heading off on holiday to Cornwall this week. All round life is good! I was just reading back and you must be exhausted with the highs and lows of these posts, I bet you wish I would make up my mind, am I depressed out my mind or am I giddy and ecstatic. To be completely honest with you it is a mixed bag, one minute I am up and loving life and the next I am feeling positively horrible about my future and this disease. All I can tell you is that with the ups and downs of living with MS I am grateful for what I have and I have amazing friends, a fantastic family, brilliant readers and a wonderful medical team so I am lucky in a million ways, a million ways but one.
Hope you all have a good few days, I will be quiet for a few days but promise to return soon.
Love to you all
Jess
P.S Check the twitter feed to the right as I will tweet whilst I am away...if you are interested and I will update my Facebook page.
xxx
Walking with the WalkAide brings tears of joy to me because I feel like I can walk and it is such a sense of being again. I feel like I can reclaim of my place in the world, a world that I was slowly giving up on. I know that some might read this and think once again I am being dramatic but I promise you that I am not, these are real feelings and thoughts and somehow, I feel less lost know that I can walk tall again. It more I ever thought possible, I have hope again for my future.
9. Feeling like it's all going to be alright.
Hope is a funny thing and if I have learnt anything over the past few weeks is that hope can be easily misplaced. I had hoped that my application for FES would be going through without much thought, because my medical team were so adamant that I would get it, and this hope with dashed with a DENIED! I had hope that my purple/blue/white foot was a vascular issue and something that could be fixed but it wasn't it turned out to be neurological and that tore me apart. I have felt lost, broken and alone, until I took control and changed my reality. I looked for a solution to my problem and pursued it and it has changed my life for the better. I also took control and stopped the medication (always check with your medical team first before doing so) and it has pulled me out of a depression that I could not identify properly on my own and was losing the fight. I have learnt that I really do make my own reality and other can not fix me, no point waiting for others to intervene and change me situation, I have to seize the moment and change it for myself.
9. Feeling like it's all going to be alright.
For months and months I have used a walker, I have used it as a tool to help and also as a barricade against life. It is strange to explain to someone what it is like having to use something like a walker every time you leave the house. It chips away at your confidence, even if you have made peace with it, or it did mine. I am grateful that I have had Dylan (my original walker) and Blossom (my new lightweight walker) in my life. I also feel great thanks for having Chorlton (my wheelchair) for when I need him. These things were originally tools until I got better, but I didn't seem to get better, everything else around me seemed to improve but my walking continued to get worse, this terrified me. I have made peace that one day Chorlton may become a permanent feature in my everyday life but for now I am not ready, I know I have some walking to do, I know that I can do it I just needed something to help. I found it, we found it, it is brilliant. I have so much hope for the future and where I know that this is not going to fix my problems I also know I have some more time left on my feet and I can change my reality for now and do more of the things that I want to. I feel like I am not hiding anymore, I am going to take the world on, ahead on and brave it. Life seems full of possibilities again and where the future may bring Chortlon I am going to have memories that will see me through those days. Life does stop if I end up in Chorlton the challenges just change but what ever happens from here on I know I am stronger and will take them on.
11. Inner Ear issues - Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo (BPPV)
I have been feeling really dizzy lately, whenever I look up or lie down or get up it sends me into a really dizzy spin and makes me feel really queasy. After about 2 weeks of this I phoned Freya, my MS nurse and asked her and she said she thought it might be BPPV but she got me an appointment with my neurologist two days later. I saw him and he also confirmed it was BPPV, nothing too serious just the crystals in my inner ear which tell you which way up you are had come loose and that was causing this horrible dizzy feeling. I have some exercises to do to make the crystals settle back in the correct place. I was very happy that I didn't hear thoses dreaded words ('it's neurological') instead I heard 'it is not MS related and lots of people have this happen but it can be fixed with some exercises' woo hoo! best outcome ever. I honestly wanted to kiss my neurologist for confirming that.
12. Holiday Feeling
So in conclusion to this catch up post I am very excited about the future, relieved that my dizziness is something average and fixable and finally that I am heading off on holiday to Cornwall this week. All round life is good! I was just reading back and you must be exhausted with the highs and lows of these posts, I bet you wish I would make up my mind, am I depressed out my mind or am I giddy and ecstatic. To be completely honest with you it is a mixed bag, one minute I am up and loving life and the next I am feeling positively horrible about my future and this disease. All I can tell you is that with the ups and downs of living with MS I am grateful for what I have and I have amazing friends, a fantastic family, brilliant readers and a wonderful medical team so I am lucky in a million ways, a million ways but one.
Hope you all have a good few days, I will be quiet for a few days but promise to return soon.
Love to you all
Jess
P.S Check the twitter feed to the right as I will tweet whilst I am away...if you are interested and I will update my Facebook page.
xxx
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