Boss Man asked me if I had ever talked about me before this all happened, he asked if you knew, the me before I got sick and I am not sure you do. I wasn’t always like this, I was once someone who thrived in social situations, encouraged everyone after work to head for a pint together, who went to gigs all the time, who jumped out of a plane at 15000 feet to All Around the World by Daft Punk, who walked everywhere reading a book. I was the last one standing on nights out and the first one up to start a new adventure. I would try anything once and only learnt lessons when they hurt. I danced (badly) and sang (even worst) all the time, I wanted to see every inch of the planet with a back pack on and a penny in my pocket. I wanted it all.
Some of the things I have done in my existence, I raised £1600 for Deaf Children by jumping out of a plane and it was one of the best things I have ever done and I think it will remain on of the best things I have ever done for the rest of my life. I organised a charity event where we gave out prizes, played games, eat and drank. I convinced my friend to join me and she did the jump and she loved it as well (even though she is terrified of heights).
I have walked up many Scottish hills and dance in the water at the tops. I have sledged in the snow and jumped off waterfalls. I am the type of person who likes to try new things, I want to experience life in all its glory. I loved to organise things that my friends, nights out, comedy, gigs. I love the theatre and made a deal with myself that I would see all the theatre productions I could. I love going on holidays and before I got sick I went to America every year to visit my Brother and his family, I went round Europe with 17 crazy Americans, I write to everyone and anyone that will let me. I went from hairdressing to I.T with a batch of illness in between. I wrote diaries from when I was six, I hated school but loved to learn. I moved out when I was young and owned a flat when I was 17 (helped massively by my parents & family).
I lived tough, loved hard and lost a lot throughout my 20’s, but every hurdle I have come across I have struggled over and I think that I grew slowly as a person. I know myself that I didn’t want to grow up, I didn’t want to make decisions and I have all along very much doubted my own abilities, therefore have been slightly guilty of copping out of things I should have tackled. I would sum myself up as someone who has always shied away from life in a way because I have feared failing, uni, career, relationships, friendships. Somehow though, nearly all of these things have happened, and almost as if I have not truly paid attention I have a career I love, a relationship that makes the greatest love story in the world seem insignificant and amazing friends.
Every time I think of who I was there is a little piece of me who mourns her, but then when I think about it, the old me had a mouth, some drive and a lot of fear. The new me is almost a little surer, I think I actually believe in myself more than I ever have. This year has been the toughest experience I have ever faced and I have done it (not alone I might add), I set myself a few goals, to love The Man like no tomorrow and I still wake up more in love than I have ever been before, I wanted to get back to work and be a part of the team again and I am achieving this little by little every day, I wanted to document this period of my life so that I could keep it safe so that whatever life throws at me I know I can overcome it.
I will leave it there for now.
Hopefully I will be back later