I am back for another update and I know what you are thinking...twice in one day, nothing for ages and then twice in one day. Yep, that is it, I missed you all that much I had to come and tell you some more. I thought you would all be glad to know I told my Mum I had written about some toilet stuff and she just signed, something every child loves making their parents sign with dismay he he he!
I am lying on the couch with my computer on my lap because I have made myself feel poorly. I haven't found the balance yet of when enough is enough. I was just trying to cut turnip as we are having Burns night here tomorrow and I am cooking Haggis, Neeps (turnip) and Tatties (mash potatoes) for 12 people. It will be lovely but I am a little nervous about it, to be honest. Not the cooking side of things I am happy cooking, more the people side of things but it will be lovely seeing everyone. Oh yeah I was telling you that I have been trying to cut turnip and it has hurt my wee hands and used up the last of the energy I had.
Whenever we have plans I end up exhausting myself and The Man ends up having to do double work. He says he doesn't mind but I still feel terrible about it. He is so good to me and I don't think he or I could ever explain how hard it is to be with someone who is sick. He is absolutely amazing and I hope that everyone who reads this Blog can tell how much I love him and also how absolutely amazing he really is. This last week has been particularly hard for him as I have been a little unstable, I have been dredging all this stuff from my past up in my head whilst working with the Therapist and I think I have had a little trouble working through it all. On Wednesday night I saw a friend, she came round and we drank wine whilst chatting but I got absolutely wasted, whilst drinking significantly less than her and then spent all day on Thursday being sick. The problem with me is when I am sick I can't take my meds and if I don't take my meds it makes me sick so it is a very very vicious circle. This is something that I will not be repeating anytime soon. I think I have finally scared myself off alcohol.
It has been a weird day, I have been really angry and I think this has some relation to opening all of these memories and subconsciously trying to deal with a million different emotions about it all. I have found myself going through polar mood swings and snapping at The Man and it makes me sick to my stomach thinking I hurt his feelings or upset him. So much so in fact that earlier I had a cry about it because I don't know what is happening. He is unbelievably good to be and reminds me that he loves me and that he tries to understand. I vow to try and make it up to him, cause he deserves all the happiness in the world and I want to be the one who helps give it to him.
I wanted to also tell you about the DLA, they finally awarded it to me. I thought that it would be a fight and I was not sure that I could cope with the fight, I was almost ready to admit defeat and stop going for it, but low and behold they came back and awarded me Higher rate mobility and lower rate care which was amazing and should help to ease some stress and worry for The Man and I. It will make getting around so much easier and I hope that I will be able to join the world even more, claim that space that I feel I have lost.
I should also tell yo that whilst lying on the couch I am typing this with m eyes closed because I am feeling a little whoosie, and only every now and then opening my eyes to check what it is I have written. It is almost to test my typing skills, to have confidence in my own abilities even when feeling poorly.
Anyway need to snooze now. Love to you all
Jess
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
Oops...sorry!
It has been 25 days since my last Blog entry and I feel I have some explaining to do about that, firstly I want to apologise for it as I know how hard it is to keep interested in a Blog when there are no updates. I have been all in a pickle lately and haven't been able to settle myself down to write to you. The strange thing is my Blog has become one of my closest friends and when I don't write it is like I haven't spoken to my friend in a while and I worry I won't know what to say when we meet. I am finding life a little easier and I am getting back to work which has been amazing. It has been weird rejoining the world but I have really enjoyed trying.
I went back to work on the 3rd of January and it was like Christmas had come again for me. All the anxiety I had had washed over me as I sat down at my desk and signed in. As soon as I was settled my Team Lead introduced me to a new girl on the team and asked if I would do some training with her, if I would help her out. It was a brilliant move by him as it jogged my memory and made me believe in my own capability a bit more. I loved being back but was a little frustrated that my energy levels were still not perfect but I understand that it is a billion times better than before so I will take that and try and improve on it.
The weekend we went back to work The Man's Dad came over from Austria and my Parents came up to stay with us in London Town. We all headed off to the Boat Show together and had a lovely day looking at all the Boats and randomly we came across a stall that had massage beds on it. By this point I felt really unwell and was looking for somewhere to lie down for a little while so I thought I would humour the sales man and have a go. Wow! is all I can say about that. I got on the bed a pessimistic non-believer and I got off that bed feeling relaxed, less uncomfortable and my movement felt easier. I still didn't want to believe that this bed could have so much affect on me so I almost dismissed it until I had to get to the toilet quickly where I emptied my bladder completely for the first time in goodness how long. After a lot of thought and deliberation we went back and purchased the bed. The sales man was actually the company owner and was lovely, he was honest, didn't try to sell it too us and simply said 'I don't have to sell these to people, I just have to convince them to try them, they sell themselves' and he was right, the bed sold itself to be and I have not regretted a second of it. They are expensive and my Parents and The Man bought it for me (I did put in some) but it has paid for itself already. I you are interested check this out - Cyclo-ssage.
Other things that have happened over the last 25 day is I spent 11 of them being constipated. I know, I know, I shouldn't tell you stuff like this but I am going to anyway because it is happening and we all poo if we are honest about it. I was unbelievably uncomfortable and had been taking 2 Senna tablet every night, I had been taking Docusate Sodium once in the morning and once at night, I had been taking a sachet of Molaxole in the morning and at night and finally I had taken 2 tablets of Dulcolax (evil yellow tablets of bum doomness). Anyway, nothing was working so I had to take a day off and in one last attempt before I headed off to A&E to get some server medication to help clear it, I took 6 sachets of Molaxole and it work. Finally! So although it is messaging problems I know that I can deal with it and self manage it which is the name of the MS game.
Moving on swiftly. I wanted to tell you about my Psychologist sessions, this is personal but as you know I promised to be honest and honest I shall be. I have been finding coping with anxiety really hard and it has gotten so severe that I have found it hard to go out in Supermarkets, shopping centers, buses and pretty much public if I am honest. It has been creeping up and it has really been affecting our day to day life which is terrible and just another thing that is difficult to plan for, predict and deal with. I am determined to deal with it and so I have been in therapy. Rachel my Therapist is lovely and is so balanced and easy to talk to, she is calming in a way I don't think I have ever encountered before. We have been making progress in opening me up and helping me connect with the world again, instead of standing on the outside fearing it all of the time. One thing that I am struggling with at the moment is looking back in my past, to when I was ill before and in a very bad relationship, it has shaken me and I have been feeling more vulnerable but I understand that to deal with these things it is important to address them so that when I move forward I will do so stronger and more confident. The Man is coming to my next session with me so hopefully he will get some benefit as well, even if it is learning to cope with my anxiety and fears. So I will keep you posted on that.
I am going to have to go just now but I have more to tell you and hopefully will find some time tonight.
Love to you all
Jess
I went back to work on the 3rd of January and it was like Christmas had come again for me. All the anxiety I had had washed over me as I sat down at my desk and signed in. As soon as I was settled my Team Lead introduced me to a new girl on the team and asked if I would do some training with her, if I would help her out. It was a brilliant move by him as it jogged my memory and made me believe in my own capability a bit more. I loved being back but was a little frustrated that my energy levels were still not perfect but I understand that it is a billion times better than before so I will take that and try and improve on it.
The weekend we went back to work The Man's Dad came over from Austria and my Parents came up to stay with us in London Town. We all headed off to the Boat Show together and had a lovely day looking at all the Boats and randomly we came across a stall that had massage beds on it. By this point I felt really unwell and was looking for somewhere to lie down for a little while so I thought I would humour the sales man and have a go. Wow! is all I can say about that. I got on the bed a pessimistic non-believer and I got off that bed feeling relaxed, less uncomfortable and my movement felt easier. I still didn't want to believe that this bed could have so much affect on me so I almost dismissed it until I had to get to the toilet quickly where I emptied my bladder completely for the first time in goodness how long. After a lot of thought and deliberation we went back and purchased the bed. The sales man was actually the company owner and was lovely, he was honest, didn't try to sell it too us and simply said 'I don't have to sell these to people, I just have to convince them to try them, they sell themselves' and he was right, the bed sold itself to be and I have not regretted a second of it. They are expensive and my Parents and The Man bought it for me (I did put in some) but it has paid for itself already. I you are interested check this out - Cyclo-ssage.
Other things that have happened over the last 25 day is I spent 11 of them being constipated. I know, I know, I shouldn't tell you stuff like this but I am going to anyway because it is happening and we all poo if we are honest about it. I was unbelievably uncomfortable and had been taking 2 Senna tablet every night, I had been taking Docusate Sodium once in the morning and once at night, I had been taking a sachet of Molaxole in the morning and at night and finally I had taken 2 tablets of Dulcolax (evil yellow tablets of bum doomness). Anyway, nothing was working so I had to take a day off and in one last attempt before I headed off to A&E to get some server medication to help clear it, I took 6 sachets of Molaxole and it work. Finally! So although it is messaging problems I know that I can deal with it and self manage it which is the name of the MS game.
Moving on swiftly. I wanted to tell you about my Psychologist sessions, this is personal but as you know I promised to be honest and honest I shall be. I have been finding coping with anxiety really hard and it has gotten so severe that I have found it hard to go out in Supermarkets, shopping centers, buses and pretty much public if I am honest. It has been creeping up and it has really been affecting our day to day life which is terrible and just another thing that is difficult to plan for, predict and deal with. I am determined to deal with it and so I have been in therapy. Rachel my Therapist is lovely and is so balanced and easy to talk to, she is calming in a way I don't think I have ever encountered before. We have been making progress in opening me up and helping me connect with the world again, instead of standing on the outside fearing it all of the time. One thing that I am struggling with at the moment is looking back in my past, to when I was ill before and in a very bad relationship, it has shaken me and I have been feeling more vulnerable but I understand that to deal with these things it is important to address them so that when I move forward I will do so stronger and more confident. The Man is coming to my next session with me so hopefully he will get some benefit as well, even if it is learning to cope with my anxiety and fears. So I will keep you posted on that.
I am going to have to go just now but I have more to tell you and hopefully will find some time tonight.
Love to you all
Jess
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